Five Hours

Mar. 24/10 Within the last 5 hours I keep bolting up out of bed in a completely terrified state. I do not know why. I am experiencing extremely vivid dreams but I don’t see how they could be in anyway responsible. It has happened before but not often. I think that with all that is transpiring within my body must have something to do with it. Prolonged constantly teetering , one moment towards death , one moment towards life has to play on the mind. With the cancer I no longer am in control of witch direction my physical being is going. I do know that I would able to just lay down and die within a week if that was the choice. I have been in the situation of being near death many times now. Both before and after having cancer. During the near death experiences prior to the cancer most times my body was healthy. I am lucky in a sense to have had these experiences . The time that I have been able to spend hovering over the other side has provided me with the luxury of contemplation. Death for me is coming slow and at most times painful. I hope that I do not disappoint the “powers to be” that control the dying process while I still manage to find some joy on a daily basis. The physical suffering is too much sometimes . I am not that afraid of dying most of the time. I think that maybe the letting go is more difficult. Also the physical pain can consume and almost! , make one wish that death would come . On the Canadian news I observed that my government sees fit that Clifford Olsen (a notorious inhuman mass murderer) , receives more money to survive than I do. I have worked in industries that supplied our citizen and military with transportation and protection. I have logged the woods , built homes, worked in the maritime industry to bring goods to our citizens. During the 90’s I donated thousands to local charities. It is a bit degrading that my Gov’t feels that a mass murderer in prison should receive more loot to survive than myself. Although money at this time is unimportant , the added stress of trying to live off of funds 50 percent below the poverty rate is cruel , inhuman and degrading. Again there are few that mature and get past the mine , mine , mine and the “I want more stuff” to substantiate their self worth to themselves. Like cave men quarrelling over scraps of meat. I am fortunate that I have been able to for the most part put that behind me. I have some contempt , but also pity for those whom are to weak to do so. I will not lower myself to that state. The cancer and the chemo. My body like the tide , ebbs and flows. Sometimes,I can feel life kicking in , other times I fade. Some of the pains are returning. Life is a constant push. Every movement and thought requires a conscious effort. Overcoming the maddening constant discomfort requires a stalwart mental stance. Physically I feel that I have made some progress. Today I will keep moving as much as possible, Sometimes when I push myself physically I can forget the discomfort for awhile . Sometimes the push backfires and knocks me on my butt. Then I have to start all over again. Because of the chemo and cancer life goes on by the hour. I never know what the next hour will bring. At the moment new chest pains scare me a bit. I hope some sunshine comes my way soon. If not I’ll make some. Bye for now .See ya on the other side.