Chemo & Cancer Rants

Sat. Mar 20/ 10 At times one must get angry with the cancer so that strength can be summoned for the fight. Pleasantries can sometimes take a back seat. The gritty determination is hard to turn off. Other times one is left wasted , staring , spent from a losing round or a close final call. It takes awhile sometimes to come back and be genuinely concerned. Sometimes there is just nothing left. Especially when one comes to realize how we all are capable of being. The sense of urgency at this time can be overly compelling. The body is demanding release or comfort. A moment can become an eternity. The body clings and requires while the soul seeks. Sun. Mar. 21/10 The Cancer and the Chemo . Imagine back , remember the feeling that you once had when you were very ill. How did time feel as you waited for the constantly changing sickness to heal or for the pain to subside. Try to imagine staying in that state for months upon months on end. All the time knowing that the soon all of what you feel is going to get much worse. The mouth burns. Tastes change daily. There is no place to sit or lay that welcomes your body. Certain mental stimulus irritates ones senses . Violent or abusive scenes on TV insult and are abrasive to the senses. (after months of watching repetitive programming I am convinced that TV programmers and advertisers are the spawn of Satan , or at least as bad as top 40 radio show producers .jk ) Like the pea under the princesses’ mattress or the Chinese water torture , the moment by moment constant onslaught on the body consumes . The only thing one has left at moments are small creature comforts. A tasty morsel of food. A few hours of passing out. A good cigar. “All good things come to those who wait” is just a cruel saying at this stage. Even the air irritates and pains the skin at times. I have always been under the impression that the capability of sensing another persons mood and situation was part of the human psyche. I have discovered that this is not the case. Lots of people out there with nothing but windmills in their eyes that only focus inward. This is the moment when patience runs out the door. One becomes angry at the world. Feels as alone as an abused , abandoned child. Recognition for the fight put up by the cancer patient is more beneficial than sympathy. Getting past ourselves is a major achievement . There are few that achieve this. This is the stage where one must concentrate , pick up and keep on. Regardless of how little is left there is still something there. Hopefully the uncomfortable lag in this journey smooths out . Like the transition that occurs while riding on a horse that switches from a canter to a gallop. One is no longer jostled and bounced but is flying through the air towards the OPEN. Gotta get into the positive now. See ya on the other side.