Brand New Day

Mar . 14 /10 0740 The seagulls are dancing in the wind in front of my window. I can usually tell how strong the wind is by how high up in the air the seagulls play. The wind coming off the ocean hit’s the 10 ft . bank of land and creates a powerful updraft. Maybe they are looking for food that might be getting washed up from the ocean. To me they look like they are playing and dancing. Either way it is commercial free entertainment just outside my window. Mar. 15 /10 0210 Dealing with extensive stage small cell lung cancer is like walking through the tough sections of town. Just “keep movein” and put on brave face. However sometimes I feel like a lost child in the dark. Usually this happens in my “sleep”, I bolt awake terrified. Must be the sub-conscious at play. Off to the hospital again this morning to get tests to see if I can continue with the delayed chemotherapy. I had written well before the chemo started that I had a bad feeelng about these upcoming cycles of chemo. I hope that I am wrong. I have not fully recovered from the infection nor do I think that it’s source has been eliminated. I do not think that my body can handle a second round of what I went through for the last two weeks. If we decide to resume the chemotherapy tomorrow I have a feeling that I will be in for a rough ride. I do not know how much the effectiveness of the chemo is diminished by this last delay . I also wonder if the chemo can be delayed for another week so that my body can recover some more and so that I can investigate for the source of this last infection. I also wonder if the bodies ability to respond to an infection with a fever can be lost ? . I can feel the cancer in the right side of my body. Prior to being diagnosed I could not lay on my back or right side because of the pain. The whole right side of my body would stiffen up and become useless , the pain consuming my right side from my shoulder to below my liver. These symptoms are returning. My right leg seizes up almost daily. There is also a fullness and stiffness in the neck which concerns me as that is getting awfully close to the brain stem. The coming week will be consumed by the logistics of getting around , tests , dealing with the effects of the chemotherapy drugs as they course through my body and take effect , monitoring for adverse reactions and taking all the precautions that must be taken in order to stave off infections. I feel like I am getting ready for a prize fight. The drive to the hospital is gorgeous , regardless if the weather is fair or foul although I do not consider any weather foul. As I Canadian I feel obligated to talk about the weather upon occasion. The weather is one one of the powers that binds the citizens of this vast country. The geography of this country gives me strength to continue on. Probably that it is why I get so frustrated at being stuck in an appt.. Looking outward for some beauty helps with dealing with my situation. I keep my fingers crossed that the therapy will be successful. If it is not then that is just the way things are. The Song of The Day Is : “Brand New Day” by Van Morrison Bye for now. See ya on the other side.