Reach There

Mar. 18 / 10 2058 Finished day three of the second cycle of the intravenous injections of the powerful (poisons) chemo therapy drugs . I wait 18 days and then go thought this again , wait 18 days then do it again 4 more times. Hopefully if I survive I will be blessed with a few months of symptom free living before I die in a way that can only be described as a gruesome death. Palliative care units are full of people of what I am soon to become. This is the reality of my situation. I was admitted to the emergency dept. twice during the last cycle. I hope that during the next 18 days I fare better than that experience. What now. I am still full of anti nausea drugs . I choke when I lay down.Cool air hurts the skin. I am exhausted but unable to sleep . Tastes change constantly. A severe flu would feel good right now. My mouth soon will become so sensitive that brushing my teeth will be very painful but any lapse in oral hygiene can be life threatening due to infection.Water is difficult to drink but I must drink 8 to 12 glasses a day or my kidneys could fail. There are no guarantees that the chemo will work. I get clammy chills . It feels like deaths cold wet touch. My temperature is usually almost a degree into hypothermia. My blood pressure drops as my heart rate increases and my breath grows shallow. I pray that my body fights back towards normal. From here on in life is (“suffered”) lived by the hour. This is the good part , it goes downhill from here for at least the next 10 days. The severe fatigue and the really ugly effects of the chemotherapy really start to kick in and worsen within the next couple of days. . , When will the next bout of pain start? Will I be able to get out of bed to prepare the many small meals that I am supposed to eat? One day I can eat one type of food the next I cannot. Some times I just don’t bother as it is impossible to obtain anything. Will my kidneys fail? Is my temp. rising to 38 C witch means getting rushed to the hospital? Will I fall down when I stand? Will I be able to keep my place semi-sanitary in order to stave of the ever present worry of getting an infection which is life threatening to me? However if I get killed by an infection it will probably be by a bacteria that is already in my body. Has the cancer metastasised through the blood brain barrier? If it has at any time parts of all of my body and senses can stop functioning. This is only part of what has to be endured to maybe gain a few more months of life. , Is it worth it? Dam right! Maybe I’ll finally get to write a readable poem ? Maybe I’ll get to walk knee deep in the salt water at low tide along the beach . The sun glistening off the water as the sea lions ponder my intentions with their curious stare ? Maybe I will be able to reminisce with an old friend and rediscover a memory that brings a smile ? Maybe I can give some direction or advice that makes someone else's life a more complete and fulfilling experience ? Maybe I will find peace? The Songs Of The Evening Is “Miles from Nowhere” By Cat Stevens and “The Weight” By The Band . Bye for now. See ya on the other side