Waiting For the Sun

Mar. 10 / 10 0230 I would like to be selfish and not have to pretend that everything is alright with me so as to comfort others. This is my final time and I wish to be forthright in all my thoughts while I wait for my impending earthly departure. I get confused when people ask about my health. Although they might be concerned I am sure that they really do not want to hear the details , they are complicated and unpleasant. Most times I lie and say “good enough” and I know that it sounds hollow. I have yet to figure out a honest response that will not make other people uncomfortable.Lately being in and out to the hospital , DR visits , tests the regime of medications , the effects of the cancer and the complications of the infection ? have left me haggard. There is little time to think about anything else. Just getting through the day and night is a full time job. I am afraid of the time coming when I will no longer be able to to do this. I know that as soon as I have to have other people take care of me that the end is very close. Then wrong medications will be administered and the all important diet will be neglected. I am being treated for an infection right now. It is a life threatening condition. I am not sure If I have an infection or if the cancer has metastasized into my throat and ear canals. I have to take pain medication to eat . Without the pain medication eating fells like I am swallowing razor blades with toothache type pain in my ears. Any pains that I now feel are excruciating . I try to go outside for a bit . The air in the cold wind is painful on my skin. Laying down is painful. Brushing my teeth is painful. Drinking water is painful.Morphine does nothing for the pain but only makes me feel unwell , so I no longer take any. I am try to do everything that I can so as to be able to receive the next cycle of chemo this coming Tues. Not that I look forward to the chemo, with the delays the chemo loses it’s effectiveness . A to long of a delay and the chemo will have to be abandoned altogether , along with my goal of staying alive till summer. 0606 I would like to stay out of bed long enough this morning to watch the sun come up. The weather is inclement ,but even watching the day come into existence over the ocean makes me feel that I am here for another day. No matter what it brings I will get some pleasure out of it. 0630 Just had a strong cup of coffee laced with sugar , sunrise is at 0645 . My eyes should be open for it. Obviously the Song of the Day is going to be “Here Comes the Sun" BY The Beatles