Just Rambling

, I was in a city . I could look down at the ocean . There were people working in different situations and places. I could see and be at all these places at once. As one can do in dreams . The people and somehow the place was as aware of my presence . There was a feeling of comfort and friendliness. I was working but then my co-workers told me that it was my time to find something else. Other people working at other places , smiles on their faces , stopped and offered me tasty foods and herbs to sample. I was then walking along a street that overlooked the ocean. There buildings along the same street. Everyone and everything inside was visible. Like looking into cutaway doll houses. Everything and everyone present felt open , safe and friendly. I was on the street , aware of all that was around me as can happen in dreams. A woman took my hand. I squeezed . She squeezed back. Comfortable feelings overwhelmed me. The feeling one gets when a trusting infant nestles in your arms and looks lovingly into to your eyes. That along with the sensation of a woman, close , resting her head on my shoulder but closer. Two bodies in one skin. Warm , safe and jubilant. We both trembled comfortably and looked down at the vastness of the ocean below. I woke . I was crying. I do not know why but I was. Mar. 30 /10 0220 The cancer and the chemo. I hope that I am wrong but I feel another infection coming on . It is painful and difficult to swallow. I do not think that my body can handle another infection or the antibiotics to treat it. For a normal person a sore throat is a minor inconvenience,. In my situation it is life threatening. I tried to swallow a pill this morning and it got stuck painfully in my throat. It would be funny that after all that my body has gone through to die from something stuck in my throat. I experience stridor every time I breath. It is either an infection or the cancer has metastasized to my throat. I lose either way . I have to try to get ready for the third cycle of chemo. My day is already full trying to prepare proper meals with what I have and to just get through the day. It seems so silly that I have to take my life into my hands to get things ready to receive more chemo. I do not see my circumstances changing until I get admitted into palliative care. I am trying to stave “trails end” off for as long as possible. When the daily tasks become overwhelming is when the depression sinks in. If my body lets me. Gonna try to get into the positive. Bye for now . See ya on the other side. .