Moon shadow

Sun. Mar. 21 / 101306 It’s all just part of life and dying. There is no good , there is no bad , it is all just there. The ups and downs are expected . The downs come hard when one is swimming in the chemical soup of chemo , the only stimulus discomfort , and the body feels like the enemy to be fought. Three hours ago my world literally went a hazy white while I was laying down. Everywhere all I could see and feel was a hazy white. Not the electric white that I have felt before. I could feel that an imminent move might be at hand . I got to my feet. My skin on all of my body was ghost white. It was not a good place. Two hours later I forced my self to get outside and stood at the top of the low short trail that led to beach. Dizzy and unsteady as I took in the mists caressing the mountain valleys across the straight.I could not negotiate the 10 ft down to the beach. Another hour later I tried again. I made it and said my prayer of thanks for another day , to whom I do not know, but I said one any way. Five hours ago I was laying in an altered state wondering if it was almost time. The last few days all my energy being consumed by the effort to get in and out of bed. Now I was sitting on a log being embraced by all that was near. There is power and spirit in the ancient rock below my feet . The oceans water , chemically almost identical to human blood and the heavily oxygenated air emanating from the boiling waters sustain and lift. I rolled a happy tear down my cheek . Mon. Mar. 22 /10 0200 The big guy/ girl at this stage gives licence for one to do whatever one chooses . One would think that a person would go wild and narcissistic. This is not the case. The constraints inflicted upon the body by the cancer may be partially but not completely responsible for choosing a more spiritual path. Not because there is fear of the unknown. But rather because in this space in time it feels appropriate , and a more comfortable thing to do. The body has decided to give me a few short breaks so that I can concentrate on something other than ailments for awhile. I have learned not to take these moments for granted as things change quickly. In this early morning I look in the mirror and ditch my vanity. I look like a Zeke from Stalin’s Gulag. Bald is not fashionable or attractive for most of us. The spaces between sleeping (? ) and waking become more blurred. I keep going back as to how to how vivid some of the dreams become. Others , including one of my oncologist’s has told me that I should be paying attention to these journeys. They are almost touchable vivid . There is a sense of consciousness during the sojourns. Unlike dreams that usually slip away from memory once one wakes , these visions can etch into one’s consciousness. Dealing with the effects of the chemo can be like that first day on the job that appears overwhelming , then after awhile become easier to deal with as one learns and hones ones skills . So does monitoring and assessing the life threatening pitfalls of the chemo become less frightening. A fever , severe uncontrolled bruising for no reason , pinpoint red spots on the skin etc. etc. all require trips to the emergency dept. I have had my fair share of complications. So getting through the bits of time throughout the day and night is all push , and then push some more. There are no guarantees that I will push through each time , but each time I have it has been worth the experience that follows. Depression can hit like a guillotine but can be overcome. It may seem simplistic but movement helps overcome depression. We seem to live in a time where every discomfort and ailment is considered a disease. Maybe so , but hardship and suffering has never been foreign to the human condition. I think some depression is natural and required to properly deal with dying. When I get stuck in the misery for awhile any favourable change in spirit is that much more uplifting. Bye For Now . See ya on the Other Side. (I am afraid that my eyesight has started to falter , to late to learn braille, I think??)