Blues

Mar. 31 /10 0440 The Cancer and the Chemo : Two strong coffees in this early morning should give me enough stimulation to stay lucid for an hour or so. Today they just make me sleepy. Nothing as far as my body is concerned works as it it should . Hour by hour everything changes . I experiment with diet and movement and try to get some consistency in the way that I feel. Then the food runs out. My goal is to feel well enough to forget about the body. I can sense when the cancer is trying to or is progressing. The symptoms overtake and overwhelm leaving little energy to concentrate on anything else. I am constantly tempted to give in. Maybe there would be some relief from the uneasiness from the discomfort then. 4 more cycles of chemo. 94 more days of feeling this way and worse. Maybe ? , after a recovery period , going through all this will buy me a few more months of life . Hell , I am at wits end now. Sitting on the fence teetering between life and death daily. Any energy that I can muster is now spent on trying to figure out how to get by for this day and the next. Until I find some sort of solution to get some sort of consistency of means of survival there just isn’t any energy or room for anything else. What a waste of precious time. Bye for Now . See ya on the other side.