First Thing

Mon. Mar. 1 /10 I am 14 days into 84 to 105 days of 4 or 5 sessions of chemotherapy. Then 3 to 5 weeks after that my immunity , my hair my bodies recovery to the susceptibility to bruising and bleeding should return. If the chemotherapy is not effective in killing some of the cancer I will be dead soon. In the meantime I am susceptible to infection from any bacteria foreign or my own. My body is also prone to bruising and bleeding. During the last sessions of chemo I would wake up and there would be bright red and blackening blood all around me. The largest tumour is near my spine and major blood vessels. If the blood vessels rupture I will probably drown in my own blood. I feel as if I am losing the use of my legs. If the tumour eats into my spine I will be instantly crippled. There could be cancer in my brain that they can not see. When the cancer metastasizes to my brain I could wake up with the loss of any or all of my bodily functions. I could become blind or deaf or paralysed or “all of the above” at anytime. My cancer face is starting to return. There is a look to the person with “the cancer”. The eyes start to sink into the head. The skin on the face is either sullen or puffy and looks unnatural. This is even prior to the “zek” like “concentration camp” appearance that come with the loss of hair. If the chemo is successful I might have a few months without severe symptoms from the cancer and have some relative comfort for a few months. I wish it wasn’t true but the reality is and the Dr’s concur that I will be dead soon. Some days death would be a blessing. All of this is always somewhere in terminally ill cancer patient mind every waking and sleeping moment. One struggles , fights and works 24/7 , sometimes for months to grasp for a few bits and pieces of fleeting normality. Day or night. I’ll take those fleeting moments whenever I can get them. Finally one achieves a few hrs a day that can be considered normal and that’s when one has to deal with other peoples denial and the way that your disease is affecting them.I am not whining , just making observations. Maybe it is impossible for healthy people to grasp the urgency of someone wanting grasp these brief moments and live a little. Things I do know , why dogs roll around stuff that stinks and that people will only be there for you if it does not affect their lifestyle or that they draw some sort of benefit from it. For myself it has been months and months and months of grabbing at periods of feeling okay . The only outside trips I make is to get poked and prodded , injected with chemicals although necessary make me live in hell for extended periods and to be reassured by the medical community (bless their souls cause they are good) that I will be dead soon and it ain’t going to be pretty. I have found that it is easier to be alone and face death than having to deal with the denial the inevitable tiring of people being around with someone dying . First comes the offers of help and it does come but if you hang on to long people get tiered I guess. Then comes the oh yea we’ll do that for you but soon there just empty words. Again I am not complaining just observing. Here comes the hardest part is when one has to ask for help .At first it is there , then it is promised and then not delivered and this repeats itself a few times and then one gives up asking at all. People have been kind and generous in but only R has really given without knowing whether or not there will be a return. As I said previously there are a lot of times ,and these times are quickly amalgamating into one, that my dignity is more precious to me than my life. Dam the bureaucracy that makes the dying wait, This is where my day begins. There you have it .Part of a dying mans rant. Gotta try to get into the positve now and see if I can wring some living out of this day. See ya on the other side. On the plus side , no major pain yet.