Spilt Soup

Dec 15 / 10 I make a cup of soup sit down in front of my computer .I open my eyes , I am sitting , leaning forward with my forearms on top of my legs . My hands still holding the cup , it’s contents spilt onto the floor in front of me. I do not know how long I have been sitting here in this position. Tonight it will be a chore to make from my chair to the kitchen sink. The last day and evening have been spent in excruciating pain while I precariously cling to life. It has taken me 3 hours to write this. To myself and to those that I d know and have ever known. Soon we will not even be a memory in my mind. I will not even remember who you are nor what I am. Aside from the suffering what bothers me is “wasted time”. If I am here tomorrow I will try to write more. BYE

Passing Out

Dec.9/10 The Song Of The Day Is: “Stuck Inside A Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again” By Bob Dylan This is ridiculous and frustrating. I am too ill and too tired to write anything that makes much sense . I try and I try. The thoughts are in my head . I try to put them down on paper. The next thing I know , I am awakened by my head hitting my computer desk or my body hitting the floor as I pass out and fall out of my chair. It has taken me 3 hours to write these few lines . I am constantly passing out. The cancers are now quickly eating away at my body , consuming all of my energy and causing me excruciating pains as the earth draws me into it’s bosom. I cannot remember the last time that I slept. On the other hand I the last time that I passed out was 45 seconds ago,. I am going to try to live for another day. I have so much to say , but this clinging to life takes up most of my time and energy .BYe

I Just Can't

. Nov 8 / 10 0550 PST I have been sitting here since 0300 PST .Trying to write some. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu woops!!!!! I have been nodding in and out of consciousness since then. I am not taking more meds than are recommended so I do not think that it is the effects of the narcotics that affecting me in this way. I have thoughts in my brain but they can‘t seem to make their way down my arms , into my fingertips and on to the keyboard. I have been trying for over 6 hours now to write something and I will be dammed if I give up before at least some thought get put down on paper. The pains are particularly bad today, I think that I am starting to go blind also. In just can’t. No matter how hard I try to write I just can’t. I just keep passing out. If I am still amongst the living later, I will try again. BYE

BYE

Nov. 7/10 The state that I have been in lately really has bekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo been like being lost in a tortuous state of oooooooooooooooooooooool limbo. Hangin onto life. Drifting in and out of life while spending more time with death each day , more time dead than alive. My fingers sometimes cannot press down on the keys as drift in and out of conscious, The long proccesion of “o “ s are my finger stuck on top of the keyboard during moments when I am truly dead for awhile. (so they are staying in) . I can’t see hanging on for much longer . BYE toriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Is This Part Of Dieing"

Mon. Dec. 6 /10 The Song Of The Day Is “FEELS LIKE RAIN” as done by Aaron Neville(what a magnificent performance) I cannot remember the last time that I slept. I can not remember the last time that I lay down for more than an hour. I type two words . I pass out while sitting,.Some times I drift of to that other place. I type two more words …! There has been no sleep for days and days now. I am trying to write , but I just keep on drifting in and out of consciousness. I am getting a bit scared , but not as much as one would think one should. Is this part of dieing??? “Somethings gotta give” soon. 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

10 minutes

, Dec 5/10 2401 PDT In another 10 minutes it will be God’s day. If he decides to let me continue on. For the last1 hour ½ I have been sitting here . Passing out . Coming too, shaking my head , then passing out again. I erase the pages of the single letter that appear before me, (the last key that my finger was on before I passed out). II just keep waking , passing out then waking again. I can barely stand and am passing out every few minutes . Maybe this is my dying time. I will try to write later when I am bit lucid . I am in and out of consciousness every few minutes now. BYE

HUMBLED

Dec.4 /10 0525 PST. The Song Of The Day Is: “For Crying Out Loud” BY Meatloaf ( just a pretty song), I am seeing double . Again I type two or so words . I have a sip of coffee . Then I pass out . Maybe for a couple of minutes , sometimes longer. I am going to try monopolize on this and attempt o get some sleep while sitting. I cannot remember when I slept last. Thank God for the view outside my window . Thank God for painting a sunrise on the horizon that oozes and drips beauty. There is comfort in being privileged enough to witness the colourful show that nature puts on each morning. One of natures major stars always makes an appearance for the morning show. For the longest time my body has been overwhelmed with constant suffering . I am grateful for the change .To be overwhelmed and humbled the magnificence of the show that nature puts on each morning. I am also grateful that I am alive for another day. Today I will dream about beautiful women to get through the day, BYe