Day by Day

July 31 / 10 0115 The Song of the Day Is : “Try” as performed by Blue Rodeo 0606 The depth of the mountains is apparent the few minutes before the sun rises up from behind them. The clouds trapped in the valleys appear as brushstrokes hanging in the air. When I make it out to watch the sun rise , I now say three prayers. One of thanks for the day , one for getting through the present day and one for granting me my existence till tomorrow. Over 7 or 8 months now , these four walls , the hospital visits , my front yard and each morning trying figure out how to get through the day. There have been periods of well over 30 days when the only face that have seen other than dr’s and nurses has been my own reflection in the mirror. Everything runs dry . I feel like one of those life size cut out card board likenesses that you used to see in front of the movie theatres when someone looks at me. People see the facade of me propping myself up , but are unaware of the boiling cauldron inside. Like the unframed pictures that hang on my walls , the health care that I could have received remains incomplete. Can’t make it to the Dr.s anymore and the logistics just weren’t there to get my last treatment of chemotherapy , nor can I make the trip to see the oncologist to see if anything else can be done. One becomes dependent and vulnerable when they become terminally ill . If one hangs on for too long we become a burden and inconvenience. Maybe that’s the way it should be . Doesn’t really seem like much of a reward for effort that the fight takes .Life itself is the reward , and I know that life does not owe anyone anything. Someone dying really doesn’t fit into any ones plans. Things that need to be done get put off until they pile up and become overwhelming , then even one’s basic needs get neglected. Over coming the pains and discomfort of the cancer on a constant basis is getting old and will soon end up winning. I am still grateful for each new day that I get to live. I got my wish to live until the summer. For that I am extremely grateful. Day to day survival is another matter. Bye for now , see ya on the other side .

थे Crow

July 30 / 10 The Song Of The Day Is: “Lady Blue” as performed by Leon Russell I walked down the short trail to the ocean. A short log that has washed up and nestled down into the rocks and sand above the high tide line. I test my balance and walk along it. I take my seat on a fender log from a broken boom . It washed up on shore last winter during one of the many storms. A crow that has started to follow me around make his appearance . He/she lands on the same log , just a few feet away. I stand up. Walk over a few feet. Place a morsel of food down on the same log. I sit back down. The crow gets busy feeding on the morsel of food as I sit back down and take everything in. The crow follows me when I manage to make it for a walk. There is a red tinge In the sky above the mountains on the mainland across the passage. The ocean is calm . I can almost feel the colours on the water. Shades of gorgeous blue . So many shades . A photograph cannot capture all the hues. 0558 PST The sun is making it way up from behind the mountains and pulling itself up into the sky . Soon the soft blues on the water will transform into brilliant crimsons and scarlets. Close by an eagle stands on a rock at the waterline. He is feeding on a fish that is to large for him/her to fly with. He/she looks up at me , perceives that I am not a threat and resumes feeding. The sea lions sense my foot falls on the rocks . Pop their rounded glistening heads up out of the water , they look directly at me as the have done numerous times in the past. The sun now announces itself , and starts making it’s appearance from behind the mountains. Half of the red shining orb makes it’s way from behind the mountains. A bright orange , reddish path magically appears on the face of the ocean. It starts at the shoreline on the mainland , runs directly towards me. It appears as a path painted on top of the oceans surface. The sun now warms my body. The scene surrounding me hugs my soul. For a few moments I forget about the cancer , the pain , my journey towards death , all the other problems that we , as people , create for ourselves and each other. I say my two prayers. The first prayer is one of “thanks for another day”. Sometimes I say two prayers of “thanks”. At this moment , I am at the closest that I can come to finding some sense of spirituality. 0722 PST. The crow , makes itself know and wants some more food. I think of my second prayer.I am reminded that I too am going to spend another day trying to find ways to survive till tomorrow. Bye for now, see ya on the other side .

Two Prayers

Thurs. July 29 /10 1107 The Song Of The Day Is “ Ain’t No Sunshine” as Performed By Bill Withers The Cancer : I hate to admit it . I get scared . There is 2 hours or so in the morning when I feel as if I am amongst the living. I get out and sit in the sun as often as I can. Although tanned I cans see deaths pallor seeping into the colour of the skin on my face. Some of the fear I am sure is physiological . My one lung does not work at all and the cancer spews toxins into my system. I constantly feel as if I have been poisoned and always feel on the verge of passing out. Although I still say a prayer of thanks and one selfish prayer each day , I have not been able to make a spiritual commitment without deep inside sensing that I am kidding myself. Each time that I sense death hovering I get a bit nervous and confused about my spiritual well being. One thing that I do know is that spirituality is linked to our behaviour and is affected by how we honestly feel within . Spirituality has little to do with organizations. Well the sun is shining. I am still breathing and kickin . I’ll get outside , I’ll say two prayers of thanks today. Although I am in constant pain and discomfort , dam scared sometimes too, I am still grateful that I am receiving the gift of another day. Bye For Now See ya On the other Side

The Big Red Ball

Wed, July 28 / 10 The Song of The Day Is: “Everybody’s Talking” as performed by Harry Nilsson 0500 At or about the 23rd of August the fall weather and fall itself starts to announce upcoming arrival. That leaves me 25 days of the last summer that I will ever experience. I am still somewhat mobile now , but that can change any moment. When the cancer hits my brain and/or gets much larger affecting my spinal chord I will be totally immobilized. I am neither whining nor looking for sympathy .0545 With that in mind . I am going too get down to the beach “hell or high water” and enjoy another sunrise 0700 I am somewhat preoccupied as I am again waiting for bureaucrats to see if I can access funds that are my own. Without them the quality of my life is severely compromised . This experience has confirmed a fact about our society that I have known for a long time . The more vulnerable the person , the more we brush them aside and try ignore their plight. From people in the streets in the poor side of town . Our elderly , starved and abused in old age homes and , especially our children in North America ( although we preach that our children our soooo import to us , the reality is that , childhood poverty is worse, here in Canada and especially In the U.S.A. than in many third world countries). I do not expect that my union or any other a agency to expedite any matters just because I might be dead tomorrow. I am not bitter but just making observation's that confirm what I have known all along. As I have mentioned before . I do not expect the world to stop just because I am dying , one does wish however that it would just slow for a second. The cancer: Every day can be different but there are trends . The last 24 hrs . I can only lay down for an hour at a time . I become too uncomfortable and have to stand up . When I stand the exhaustion hit’s like a steamroller. Just prior to my initial diagnosis it was impossible for me to lay on my back or my right side because of the pain. With the new development of pain on my right side I am wondering that if the cancer doesn’t kill me before the pains return full bore , if I will be able to lay down at all ? The longest time that I have had to spend standing because of the pain is 16 days and nights as it was impossible to lay down . I was totally alone for those 16 days. Someone dropped by to see me on the 16th day but their only concern was my address change. Because of my illness I was negligent upon changing my address and this was causing the people at the former address too much inconvenience. They would have to check their mail more than once a week because of me ( a walk of half a block). For God’s sakes . A person has been writhing in excruciating pain for 16 days on top of all the other discomforts that the cancer that is eating away at my body brings , and the priority at that moment is to alleviate the torture that it must be to have to walk half a block to check the mail. The only reason that I feel that I have a right to vent about this is that these people receive the lions share of my death benefits. If they were getting a wage for the walk it would probably work out to well over $1000 bucks an hour. These are decent people , and I mean that sincerely. I am struggling and fighting like hell to keep living but I guess I am just taking too long to die. I know that it is difficult for people to be around someone that is terminally ill. For whatever reason the situation gets to be a burden quickly. Maybe one is reminded of their own mortality , maybe… ? I recall what a friend said just after my mother passed away. She had suffered for months and months and then died from cancer . He had also lost someone close and in a similar fashion. It was the evening of the day of her death. He looked strait into my eyes and said , you feel some relief now that she has passed away. I did not , nor did I have to answer. I did search deep inside at that moment and realized , guiltily , that he was right. So I do understand the difficulty in dealing with the terminally ill. I am in the position to speak from experience from both outside looking in and inside looking out. If I did not have to deal with the dam bureaucrats for loot for my survival , I am not sure that my position is more difficult emotionally. As far as the physical demands go I think , no ,I know , healthy people are wimpy compared to what a lot of cancer patients go through. US marines included. I have worked some of the most physically demanding jobs on the planet. They are child's play compared to how much preparation and effort that it now takes me just to get down to the beach. The 100 lb pack is on the back 24/7 . There is growing process for the healthy people that deal with terminally ill. One has to really put themselves aside for awhile. There is no faking it. Some people , and I have noticed, especially people who regard themselves as having a high moral standard , just can not do it. The picture accompanying this post was taken this morning. 0830

Immaculate Timing

Mon. July 26 10 1230 I am just plain empty sometimes now. It is as if my soul has taken a trip , leaving my body behind. I am not sure if it is residual effects of the chemotherapy ? , depression ? , the result of the toxins in my body from the cancer ?, or perhaps the cancer has metastasized to my brain ?. Whatever it is , my mind , just like my body takes time to get moving. Sometimes I start out slow then fizzle out altogether. On the rare occasions when I get out amongst the public . The contrast between people living and myself becomes apparent. The contrast exemplifies how much of a shell of an existence I have left. Last December was when the DR.s at the cancer agency gave me the call to get ready for another 6 sessions of aggressive chemo. Since then , and actually long before that date there has not been one moment of physical comfort. Many brushes with death itself. The constant stress of wondering how I will get through each month. The reality of imminent demise in the near future. All this , and much more takes it’s toll. There , now that I have wallowed in self pity , perhaps I can recall what I should be grateful for. During some my travels , and during some of my experiences I have seen things that , I believe no one should have to see. On some occasions I myself have borne the brunt of cruelties that our our species seems intent upon inflicting upon one another. In point of fact , the largest tumour in my body is at the spot where my body sustained fractured bones and severe trauma during an attempted murder. Myself being the victim. I have never bought into the adage , “no matter how bad off one is that there is always someone worse off“. That is just someone saying , “fat chance that I’m going to go out of my way to help anyone but myself”. On the other hand , I am aware that life itself does not owe anyone anything. Life itself is the gift. Here comes the grateful part. I am amazed at what I call “immaculate timing”. Just when a situation seems hopeless (sometimes a serious situation , sometimes a situation that is completely mundane) and there is nothing in one’s power that can be done to remedy the predicament . At the precise moment ,when it feels as if all is lost , circumstances miraculously change or someone steps in as if out of nowhere and remedies the situation. It is not so much that the adverse situation has been remedied that “make my heart sing” , it is the timing , and that something good that is not of my own doing has come my way that amazes me , leaves me humbled and grateful. 0347 Bye for now see ya on the other side

Feather In The Sand

Sun. July 25 10 I made it down the short trail to the beach this morning . Found an eagle feather waiting for me. I believe that I am on my way out. Bye for now ,see ya on the other side . Azab

Manana, Manana

Sat. July 24 10 0404 The time that I have left to live is can be measured in days , weeks or perhaps a few months. I still have to deal with people that are in the mindset of having unlimited tomorrows. I do not expect anything different .This is just the way things are. I have to admit that I do find it frustrating however . The cliche about dealing with Mexicans in Mexico ( no offence intended) “Manana , Manana” comes to mind. We all know that tomorrow never arrives. I no longer have the luxury of planning to far ahead into the future. A few hours , days maybe a couple of months now constitutes my future. If you can remember back to when you were a child. How your perception of time was then. Waiting from the morning till the end of the day could seem like an eternity. When we are close to death , I think that our perception of time in certain situations reverts back to the way we perceived time as a child. That is the way it feels to me most of the time . You will also find this out someday. With the terminally ill , while the body is suffering , I do not think that it is childlike to expect some hustle when it come to providing some sort of relief. Especially if someone has put a good number of years behind them. 0545 The Cancer: The fatigue that I experience is indescribable . I try. Bone deep fatigue. The way that you would feel after running a marathon while experiencing a severe flu with a bad hangover. I feel this way 24/7 . The pains are returning but not too bad. If you had a fractured bone you would feel the same degree of pain. This is now relatively easy to deal with. It is not like 2cnd and 3rd degree burns. When the pain returns full force , burns would feel relatively comfortable. I disassociate myself as much as I can from my body so that I can communicate without sharing the pain. My face gives it away sometimes. An unintentional grimace surfaces. I do not even realize that it is there . I do wish to scream at times , and I become impatient . I do try not to show the impatience. I am alone 95 percent of my time so dealing with people does not come up that often. This dying slow is lonely painful business. I hope that no one that I know or anyone for that matter will have to go through the physical tortures of my dying experience. My death is fast approaching. I would like to do some livin during these last days.I still have to deal with dam bureaucrats so I guess it is just not going to happen in this lifetime. The disease snuck up on me quickly , took a firm death grip , and is now finishing it’s insidious business . “Manna , Manna” just does not work for me. Bye for Now . See ya on the other side The Song Of The Day Is “Ol 55” as performed by Tom Waits

Close and Far Away

July 18 / 10 2401 People can be physically close to me , not realizing that we are worlds apart . Most of the time I feel like I am riding a roller coaster without the safety harness , hanging on for dear life ,to life ,while it dips spins and turns. Partaking in the niceties of social behaviour can be exhausting. Sometimes it takes too much effort to talk at all. I am sure that this can be easily misconstrued as indifference or rudeness , which is not my intention at all. I have to admit that I am getting nervous. The fatigue is now hitting me hard . Like runner running into a brick wall . The returning pains makes concentrating difficult. The pains are mild compared to what I have previously experienced . Like a mild beating. Imagine trying to be pleasant and chipper just after you've ran a marathon and have a splitting headache. I worry about the metastasis of the cancer to the brain. This is like living with a bomb strapped to ones chest. Knowing that it can go off at any second , leaving one blinded and/or crippled or dead. Depression is on the daily menu of things that must be digested and dealt with. Again , I am neither complaining nor looking for sympathy. I am hoping that any healthy people that have to deal with the terminally ill , try to understand , what a terminally ill person has to overcome before there is even a “good morning” . It has been well over 7 months now , other than brief encounters with one or two other people , the only people that I have seen has been the hospital staff during my stays there. Rarely , regardless of good intentions , was there anyone during the crucial period of the days immediately after the chemo injections. A person just ends up, laying there for days , with 911 ready to be dialed . The all important diet and hygiene being neglected ,waiting and hoping ,that the body kicks in and that one can start to look after oneself again. I cannot help but think of how many ill and elderly people are in my situation and worse. My heart goes out to them. I am fortunate . Most of the time I can find comfort in the nature that surrounds me and solace in contemplative solitude. After months and months of the same however one falls apart . The pieces are picked up once again and put back together the best that they can and must be. Time is running out , I am still searching for the “spiritual”. I can’t seem to overlook blatant contradictions. I have observed that people who say they “believe” or “have faith” are extremely self absorbed and quite intolerant. The belief and the result just do not coincide. My way of thinking is that no one is more important that the next person. Hopefully I can get out of survival mode soon and write something uplifting. There is so much out there but little time left. 0300 Bye for now , see ya on the other side.HOW TIME PASSES 0740 Four hours and 40 minutes since I last wrote. It feels like a week has passed. At 0300 I went and laid down. drifted off. There's no rest here. The cancer spews toxins into my system and my body contorts , tosses and turns. Instantly I start dreaming , the dreams are vivid and require an energy of their own to deal with. My eyes open at 0600 . I am more exhausted now than when I laid down a few hours ago. 0630 I lay there for ½ an hour , I wait , wondering when my body will start moving. If I don’t get moving a whole new set of problems will set in. The pains will start. Blood clots will form and the bowels will stop working.I sit on the side of the bed and motivate myself to move. I get up to my feet . Walk stiff legged to the kitchen . Hold myself up against the counter , open the cupboard. I stare into the cupboard for 3 to 5 minutes looking for the coffee filters. They are sitting on the bottom shelf right in front of me. I make a pot of coffee. Dropping a spoon and spilling some of the water. I slowly walk over the space of 4 or 5 feet to the window. When the sun is not obscured I gain some energy from it’s rays . If the sun is obscured I gain some energy from the oxygenated air that the wind blows in through the window. I shuffle back to the counter. Make an overly sweetened and overly strong cup of coffee. I start to rotate my shoulders , stop , swallow a mouthful of caffeine and sweetness. I then rotate my neck , gotta get the blood moving . It is now 0700 . I opened my eyes an hour ago. I start to slowly stretch and prepare myself for any new jolts of pain that will knock me down. Ye ha nothing major. I feel like I just ran a marathon already and like I have a severe flu but I have felt this way every morning and every minute of every day since 2008 and before. So far it has been a good start to the day. If I can get out , start walking and keep moving the symptoms from the cancer seem to become less severe. I wonder will I be alive tomorrow ? , next week ??, next month ??? , how severe will the pain and the fatigue become. I have already gone through pain that morphine doesn’t touch. No time to think about that , need to figure out how to acquire the necessities to get through the day . Each morning I slide close to wondering if it is worth the effort. 0817 . If I can make it the few feet down to the beach ,(although not religious) say my two prayers , I can usually keep moving for part of the day. Movement helps me deal with the symptoms. Then I can paste a smile on my face and I try to be genuinely concerned for anyone that I happen to run across. I have to admit that when the body is "kickin" the poop out of oneself it can be difficult for some reason.. 0825 It feels like I have been up for a day already . The fight never ends.I will get out and use denial and a form of self hypnosis to try to overcome the physical discomfort and the reality of facing the end of my mortality at any moment.I have been trying really hard to keep going but if this present slide doesn't abate soon I believe it will be all over soon. I get through my day an hour at a time . I am hoping that it is in good part depression that is knocking me down . That I can work through.1145 Passed out up until now , it was not rest. I made it outside ,but not far. Listened to an abandoned seal pup’s lament. Seems fitting today. 1235 I don’t know where the last ½ hr went. I recall once going to a grocery store. I looked at my watch. It was quarter to six. I looked at my watch again it was 20 minutes to 7 . I looked down at my shopping basket , it was empty. I don’t know where the 55 minutes went. Too tired to cook . I’ll lay down again. If I don’t get some steam I’ll go through the whole process that I went through at 0740 and try again . I would like to get out for a walk.

Play The Cards That Are Dealt

July 17 / 10 The Song of the Day Is : “Goodbye Ruby Tuesday” as performed by Melanie Safka I sit in the sun during day and am still cold . It is now 2450 , it is cool inside my place , my temp. is 35.5C (1 ½ degrees below normal) and I feel uncomfortably hot. Up until now I have been uncomfortably cold all the time . The night sweats from the cancer are returning. As are the pains and the bone deep fatigue. It has only been a few weeks since the last cycle of chemo. Dam , the effects of the chemo are just wearing off , the effects of the cancer are already returning. Every oncologist that I have spoken with has stressed that I have a very aggressive type of cancer. They tell me this with an expression of guilt , disappointment and seriousness. I imagine the guilt is from knowing that the therapy that they have overseen has put me through 7 months of hell. The disappointment must be from the fact that the therapy did not have much effect of the cancer , the seriousness from the reality of a death sentence to be carried out soon by the cancer. Hell , everyone ,I’m sure , did their best. I do feel sorry for all the health care workers that were involved. Their type of work must take an emotional toll . In am glad that there are people with the courage to choose the field of cancer care. As the effects of the cancer progress , the finality of my situation looms ominously . I find it difficult to concentrate on anything for any period of time . I am my own health care worker now . Most of my energy is consumed by trying to look after my daily needs. I am frustrated . I still have the gumption to get out and do a few things but it’s just not in the cards in my present situation. So I make do , try to get as much as I can from what is left of this experience of “livin”. Make the most of , and learn as much as I can during this experience of “slowdeath“. Bye for now , see ya on the other side . 0554 I can let myself start slipping within a period of time as short as 24 hrs. At this stage I know that I could lay down , give up and be dead within a couple of weeks , maybe even in as little time as a few days. Sleep is no longer resting , but a place. Dreams are a place where my spirit is guided. Spirits of the living and the dead mingle and collide there. PLACES There are places / places where there is no life / only wanderers / and the pleasure of sacrifice / where peasants skirts dust refugee trails / and the troubadours speak bluntly / walking on the fingertips of applause / places where beauty dances and sparkles / in the raindrops splash , suspended over a still lake / where small peeks of heaven / are served with generous portions of hell / where the sun fades like an old cliche / and moans like a broken promise / Places are the times I have seen / the immaculate timing wished for / to be dreaming the same dreams / and I wonder where you will be ? / or where I’ll be ? / in the expanse of memory / will I see you / within the sight of perfectly powdered recollections / as a queens whisper in a paupers breath / or as tears , drying in the settling dust / in the places that have never been searched before / embraced in a lovers wet crush / where devils and angels drown /
and when this final season slams the door / in the stillness , feel my caress / as it whispers in the breeze by your ear. Azab

The Lights

Fri. July 16 / 10 2401 (wed . 0100) I stuck my head out the door . The northern lights made a brief appearance.What a treat. I recall in June of 1999 when I was living just outside Sechelt on the Sunshine Coast that I had seen them then also. At first I thought that it can’t be. But the next day someone else and a newspaper article confirmed that in fact it was the Northern Lights . 0120 The shimmer is no longer in the sky so it must have been “the lights”. I also remember one winter night , my father my brother and myself walking home from the movie theatre. My father had taken us out to see a movie. The movie we saw was “ 300 Spartans. I am assuming it was 1962 as that is when the movie came out. On the walk home through the streets of a small northern mining community the northern lights blazed. To me it was just the night sky , I recall asking my father , as a child does , to point out and explain exactly what to look for and what they were. Being young , the splendour was the night sky in it's entirety,the comfort of family and the residual excitement of just been to movie all rolled into one. As a child I was seeing the night sky through a child ‘s eyes , everything was wondrous. The dying experience , although scary holds a wonder “of sorts” all it’s own. (“Pathos activates the eyes and ears to see and hear. At times of pathos illness opens doors to a reality which is closed to a healthy point of view”. Jean Houston) Like a child , but with the experiences of a lifetime , I live by the hour. When I watch the news or any program I find myself empathizing with people or creatures that are in situations that are not pleasant. I have little room for thinly disguised selfishness( an old biker adage in these situations comes to mind “ mean what you say and say what you mean”). Dreams are experiences. Vivid , compelling , thought provoking. They can transport to another plain of consciousness. There is no such thing as sleep as I experienced when I was healthy anymore. Once I get past the stress of worrying about the logistics of providing for my physical needs my mind can soar to places that healthy people have difficulty comprehending. Most don’t get it at all. I work hard for that hour or two of relative comfort , and when it comes , I nurture it into a bliss. If I were to make a graph of the highs and lows during a 24 hr period it would look like waves on the water. Plans to do much are easily thwarted. On numerous occasions I start to try to accomplish something simple , like get into town to get some milk and bread , only to realize half way there that it just is not going to happen today. With complete sincerity I can be laughing on minute , crying the next. I frequently attempt to think about ways to describe the relationship and communication that transpires between relatively healthy people and the terminally ill. Especially with us short timers. Conversations can become easily and quickly misconstrued by both parties. I can only now speak from the position of the terminally ill .I have all but forgotten what it is like to have the luxury of planning for the next day or having the time to make more mistakes and learn from them. The terminally ill live by the hour ! , are ill today , will be ill tomorrow and soon will die. I have a hard time understanding why people can’t grasp this. For those of us that work and fight to hang on and are somewhat successful we are left in a type of limbo. Not really alive and not dead. Hang on for too long and you’ll just be left by the wayside till all runs out. Trying to live and getting ready to die at same time is hard business. There’s a low. The high’s are realizing and appreciating the attempts made of people trying to comprehend and help. The highs are the emotions that sear into the soul. The highs are still being able to appreciate the earthly beauty that surrounds me. There is little time left and each moment of joy is precious and welcomed by my soul. Bye for now , see ya on the other side.

All My Tomorrows

Wed. July 17 / 10 I went to the hospital yesterday and the day before. On Monday to see the person running the cancer care clinic. On Tuesday to see the DR. I explained to both of them that the way that I figure it that there is just over 30 days of summer left. I was supposed to have one more cycle of chemo. Since the chemo is just "sort of working" (I am getting some pain control out of it). It is so rough this time around that rather than spend the last weeks of my last summer suffering from the effects of the chemo and living (sic) in a chemical haze that I have decided to not go back for the last session of chemo. I also spoke about the same thing to the home-care nurse. In the back of my mind I was hoping that they would try to dissuade me and say that the chemo is going to work. No such luck. They all said that if they were in my shoes that they would do the same . The Dr said that I have a very aggressive form of cancer and that they have been pursuing it aggressively with the chemo drugs. It’s the second time around and my body is not handling it so well , unfortunately the cancer is . I asked about more radiation therapy (I’ve have had 5 sessions already) , he said that there is a threshold of radiation that the body can withstand , and that I am at it. The Dr said to come to the hospital when the pain gets too bad. It has been over a month now since my last cycle of chemo. My “chemo brain” is starting to clear but the body is not bouncing back that well. I am into the 6th or 7th month since the chemo started. My body temp goes as low as 34.2 C. I am always cold. I am getting brown as a burnt biscuit . I sit out in the sun and bake as it is the only time that I feel relatively warm. I keep pushing myself to keep moving and have made some progress. I hit a threshold where I either get stuck , fall or come close to passing out. Yesterday I made it out ¼ mile onto the spit during slack tide . I got out into the water up to my thighs . I start to seize up from the cold and have to hurry to get back in. If I seize up and fall down in the shallow water I would easily drown. No one would see me (drowning is not a bad way to go). I enjoy it however. I am not whining or looking for sympathy , just documenting. I am forcing myself to do some stretches , some light exercises and I try to keep moving as much as possible. I am hoping that I can somehow regain some stamina. I get frustrated because I have to concentrate so fckng hard to do anything , then have to analyze how my body is reacting and then figure out when to stop . If I push too hard things get really rough. Socializing is also very demanding and tiring. The last few days the main thing on my mind was what to do as far as the cancer therapy goes . After seeing the dr yesterday , the decision has been made. The oncologist from Vancouver might see things differently , but the decision has been made. At this stage I am pretty fragile mentally and physically. I move pretty slow. It has taken me 21/2 hrs to write this so far. Looking at it , I feel a bit guilty that I don’t have much uplifting to say . Although I did start out with a stroll down memory lane , it has taken me 3 hrs to write this . I am starting to fade. I going to put my decision to stop the chemo behind me (7 months of hell, man) , it will take me a day or two to “get my mind right’’ and I will write again and see what or if I can plan anything for the rest of the summer. Bye for now , see ya on the other side. o830 I am trying to trade in all of my tomorrows for a few todays.

Keep movin Keep movin

Tues July 6 10 The Song Of The Day Is “Atlantic City” by The Band I’m moving ! I’m movin ! I’m movin! The big black dog (depression) has been back for awhile now. I think? , or is it the effects of the chemo and the cancer. It is difficult at times to distinguish what is the cause of feeling the way I do. Fatigue , 24/7 flu like symptoms and just plain feeling like the body is going to give out and stop living. So I just try to keep moving . , I hope that I keep succeeding . Keep movin ! , maybe my body will kick in for awhile . My isolation has one advantage. Rarely is there anyone else to compare myself too. I get to revel in what is a major accomplishment for myself. When I get myself out for walk . I gauge how well my body is doing for that day by how far I get and how I feel during the walk. Even if I only make it for a few 10’s of yards I can try to feel good about it when there is no one else there to compare myself to and make me realize how pathetic my accomplishments really are. This way I can keep the grimness of the reality of my state at bay. Keep movin ! I use every trick that I can to keep the depression away. Denial , anger , counting my blessings etc. etc. etc. I have not gone back for my last session of chemo. Decisions , decisions. The pains are already returning . Painkillers do nothing for this type of pain. Decisions , decisions. The chemo up until recently has kept the pains away. I did push it today though. Maybee thats the cause of the pains today ? Some stretches , some light exercises and a walk. The walk is all push. Sometimes the body just has to be willed to move. I am glad that I am alone during these walks as most of the times tears steam down my face. I don’t know why this happens , I just know that it does. Sitting and lying down are uncomfortable situations for me . Talk about a double whammy .To tired to do anything , to uncomfortable to stop movin. Keep movin! Keep movin ! . Surprisingly when there is never any relief from the discomfort . The body and mind adapt , spurring the soul to compensate and find some refuge of comfort. I wonder with all the chemicals in my body (chemo and the toxins produced by the cancer) if modern,(sic) medicine hasn’t bastardized dying. I can remember times when I felt like I was drifting and slipping away. Like a near drowning experience that I once had , the sensation becomes comfortable after a while. Then suddenly like a screaming gasping newborn , something kicks in and this wonderful struggle we call life resumes . With all the drugs (and not the good ones like lines of coke off a hookers ass) there is just not a moment of comfort , neither waking or asleep. I am trying hard to avoid becoming cantankerous . I am afraid that I might start behaving like that cantankerous but lovable bastard (and I mean no disrespect) Farley Mowat . Heaven help me then. Sometimes I think that I have become too self absorbed , but dammit I am close to dying and in discomfort 24/7. I am afraid that this has been a bit of a vent , but this is what is going on. Sometimes I wonder if I havn’t hung on for too long. Oh well keep movin ! Keep movin! . If my body would give me a break I could concentrate on the spiritual aspects of life. The sun is glistening on the surface of the ocean . I ’m going to get out there and get some of this day and what we call life into me.. Bye for now , see ya on the other side.