Day by Day

July 31 / 10 0115 The Song of the Day Is : “Try” as performed by Blue Rodeo 0606 The depth of the mountains is apparent the few minutes before the sun rises up from behind them. The clouds trapped in the valleys appear as brushstrokes hanging in the air. When I make it out to watch the sun rise , I now say three prayers. One of thanks for the day , one for getting through the present day and one for granting me my existence till tomorrow. Over 7 or 8 months now , these four walls , the hospital visits , my front yard and each morning trying figure out how to get through the day. There have been periods of well over 30 days when the only face that have seen other than dr’s and nurses has been my own reflection in the mirror. Everything runs dry . I feel like one of those life size cut out card board likenesses that you used to see in front of the movie theatres when someone looks at me. People see the facade of me propping myself up , but are unaware of the boiling cauldron inside. Like the unframed pictures that hang on my walls , the health care that I could have received remains incomplete. Can’t make it to the Dr.s anymore and the logistics just weren’t there to get my last treatment of chemotherapy , nor can I make the trip to see the oncologist to see if anything else can be done. One becomes dependent and vulnerable when they become terminally ill . If one hangs on for too long we become a burden and inconvenience. Maybe that’s the way it should be . Doesn’t really seem like much of a reward for effort that the fight takes .Life itself is the reward , and I know that life does not owe anyone anything. Someone dying really doesn’t fit into any ones plans. Things that need to be done get put off until they pile up and become overwhelming , then even one’s basic needs get neglected. Over coming the pains and discomfort of the cancer on a constant basis is getting old and will soon end up winning. I am still grateful for each new day that I get to live. I got my wish to live until the summer. For that I am extremely grateful. Day to day survival is another matter. Bye for now , see ya on the other side .