The Big Red Ball

Wed, July 28 / 10 The Song of The Day Is: “Everybody’s Talking” as performed by Harry Nilsson 0500 At or about the 23rd of August the fall weather and fall itself starts to announce upcoming arrival. That leaves me 25 days of the last summer that I will ever experience. I am still somewhat mobile now , but that can change any moment. When the cancer hits my brain and/or gets much larger affecting my spinal chord I will be totally immobilized. I am neither whining nor looking for sympathy .0545 With that in mind . I am going too get down to the beach “hell or high water” and enjoy another sunrise 0700 I am somewhat preoccupied as I am again waiting for bureaucrats to see if I can access funds that are my own. Without them the quality of my life is severely compromised . This experience has confirmed a fact about our society that I have known for a long time . The more vulnerable the person , the more we brush them aside and try ignore their plight. From people in the streets in the poor side of town . Our elderly , starved and abused in old age homes and , especially our children in North America ( although we preach that our children our soooo import to us , the reality is that , childhood poverty is worse, here in Canada and especially In the U.S.A. than in many third world countries). I do not expect that my union or any other a agency to expedite any matters just because I might be dead tomorrow. I am not bitter but just making observation's that confirm what I have known all along. As I have mentioned before . I do not expect the world to stop just because I am dying , one does wish however that it would just slow for a second. The cancer: Every day can be different but there are trends . The last 24 hrs . I can only lay down for an hour at a time . I become too uncomfortable and have to stand up . When I stand the exhaustion hit’s like a steamroller. Just prior to my initial diagnosis it was impossible for me to lay on my back or my right side because of the pain. With the new development of pain on my right side I am wondering that if the cancer doesn’t kill me before the pains return full bore , if I will be able to lay down at all ? The longest time that I have had to spend standing because of the pain is 16 days and nights as it was impossible to lay down . I was totally alone for those 16 days. Someone dropped by to see me on the 16th day but their only concern was my address change. Because of my illness I was negligent upon changing my address and this was causing the people at the former address too much inconvenience. They would have to check their mail more than once a week because of me ( a walk of half a block). For God’s sakes . A person has been writhing in excruciating pain for 16 days on top of all the other discomforts that the cancer that is eating away at my body brings , and the priority at that moment is to alleviate the torture that it must be to have to walk half a block to check the mail. The only reason that I feel that I have a right to vent about this is that these people receive the lions share of my death benefits. If they were getting a wage for the walk it would probably work out to well over $1000 bucks an hour. These are decent people , and I mean that sincerely. I am struggling and fighting like hell to keep living but I guess I am just taking too long to die. I know that it is difficult for people to be around someone that is terminally ill. For whatever reason the situation gets to be a burden quickly. Maybe one is reminded of their own mortality , maybe… ? I recall what a friend said just after my mother passed away. She had suffered for months and months and then died from cancer . He had also lost someone close and in a similar fashion. It was the evening of the day of her death. He looked strait into my eyes and said , you feel some relief now that she has passed away. I did not , nor did I have to answer. I did search deep inside at that moment and realized , guiltily , that he was right. So I do understand the difficulty in dealing with the terminally ill. I am in the position to speak from experience from both outside looking in and inside looking out. If I did not have to deal with the dam bureaucrats for loot for my survival , I am not sure that my position is more difficult emotionally. As far as the physical demands go I think , no ,I know , healthy people are wimpy compared to what a lot of cancer patients go through. US marines included. I have worked some of the most physically demanding jobs on the planet. They are child's play compared to how much preparation and effort that it now takes me just to get down to the beach. The 100 lb pack is on the back 24/7 . There is growing process for the healthy people that deal with terminally ill. One has to really put themselves aside for awhile. There is no faking it. Some people , and I have noticed, especially people who regard themselves as having a high moral standard , just can not do it. The picture accompanying this post was taken this morning. 0830