July 18 / 10 2401 People can be physically close to me , not realizing that we are worlds apart . Most of the time I feel like I am riding a roller coaster without the safety harness , hanging on for dear life ,to life ,while it dips spins and turns. Partaking in the niceties of social behaviour can be exhausting. Sometimes it takes too much effort to talk at all. I am sure that this can be easily misconstrued as indifference or rudeness , which is not my intention at all. I have to admit that I am getting nervous. The fatigue is now hitting me hard . Like runner running into a brick wall . The returning pains makes concentrating difficult. The pains are mild compared to what I have previously experienced . Like a mild beating. Imagine trying to be pleasant and chipper just after you've ran a marathon and have a splitting headache. I worry about the metastasis of the cancer to the brain. This is like living with a bomb strapped to ones chest. Knowing that it can go off at any second , leaving one blinded and/or crippled or dead. Depression is on the daily menu of things that must be digested and dealt with. Again , I am neither complaining nor looking for sympathy. I am hoping that any healthy people that have to deal with the terminally ill , try to understand , what a terminally ill person has to overcome before there is even a “good morning” . It has been well over 7 months now , other than brief encounters with one or two other people , the only people that I have seen has been the hospital staff during my stays there. Rarely , regardless of good intentions , was there anyone during the crucial period of the days immediately after the chemo injections. A person just ends up, laying there for days , with 911 ready to be dialed . The all important diet and hygiene being neglected ,waiting and hoping ,that the body kicks in and that one can start to look after oneself again. I cannot help but think of how many ill and elderly people are in my situation and worse. My heart goes out to them. I am fortunate . Most of the time I can find comfort in the nature that surrounds me and solace in contemplative solitude. After months and months of the same however one falls apart . The pieces are picked up once again and put back together the best that they can and must be. Time is running out , I am still searching for the “spiritual”. I can’t seem to overlook blatant contradictions. I have observed that people who say they “believe” or “have faith” are extremely self absorbed and quite intolerant. The belief and the result just do not coincide. My way of thinking is that no one is more important that the next person. Hopefully I can get out of survival mode soon and write something uplifting. There is so much out there but little time left. 0300 Bye for now , see ya on the other side.HOW TIME PASSES 0740 Four hours and 40 minutes since I last wrote. It feels like a week has passed. At 0300 I went and laid down. drifted off. There's no rest here. The cancer spews toxins into my system and my body contorts , tosses and turns. Instantly I start dreaming , the dreams are vivid and require an energy of their own to deal with. My eyes open at 0600 . I am more exhausted now than when I laid down a few hours ago. 0630 I lay there for ½ an hour , I wait , wondering when my body will start moving. If I don’t get moving a whole new set of problems will set in. The pains will start. Blood clots will form and the bowels will stop working.I sit on the side of the bed and motivate myself to move. I get up to my feet . Walk stiff legged to the kitchen . Hold myself up against the counter , open the cupboard. I stare into the cupboard for 3 to 5 minutes looking for the coffee filters. They are sitting on the bottom shelf right in front of me. I make a pot of coffee. Dropping a spoon and spilling some of the water. I slowly walk over the space of 4 or 5 feet to the window. When the sun is not obscured I gain some energy from it’s rays . If the sun is obscured I gain some energy from the oxygenated air that the wind blows in through the window. I shuffle back to the counter. Make an overly sweetened and overly strong cup of coffee. I start to rotate my shoulders , stop , swallow a mouthful of caffeine and sweetness. I then rotate my neck , gotta get the blood moving . It is now 0700 . I opened my eyes an hour ago. I start to slowly stretch and prepare myself for any new jolts of pain that will knock me down. Ye ha nothing major. I feel like I just ran a marathon already and like I have a severe flu but I have felt this way every morning and every minute of every day since 2008 and before. So far it has been a good start to the day. If I can get out , start walking and keep moving the symptoms from the cancer seem to become less severe. I wonder will I be alive tomorrow ? , next week ??, next month ??? , how severe will the pain and the fatigue become. I have already gone through pain that morphine doesn’t touch. No time to think about that , need to figure out how to acquire the necessities to get through the day . Each morning I slide close to wondering if it is worth the effort. 0817 . If I can make it the few feet down to the beach ,(although not religious) say my two prayers , I can usually keep moving for part of the day. Movement helps me deal with the symptoms. Then I can paste a smile on my face and I try to be genuinely concerned for anyone that I happen to run across. I have to admit that when the body is "kickin" the poop out of oneself it can be difficult for some reason.. 0825 It feels like I have been up for a day already . The fight never ends.I will get out and use denial and a form of self hypnosis to try to overcome the physical discomfort and the reality of facing the end of my mortality at any moment.I have been trying really hard to keep going but if this present slide doesn't abate soon I believe it will be all over soon. I get through my day an hour at a time . I am hoping that it is in good part depression that is knocking me down . That I can work through.1145 Passed out up until now , it was not rest. I made it outside ,but not far. Listened to an abandoned seal pup’s lament. Seems fitting today. 1235 I don’t know where the last ½ hr went. I recall once going to a grocery store. I looked at my watch. It was quarter to six. I looked at my watch again it was 20 minutes to 7 . I looked down at my shopping basket , it was empty. I don’t know where the 55 minutes went. Too tired to cook . I’ll lay down again. If I don’t get some steam I’ll go through the whole process that I went through at 0740 and try again . I would like to get out for a walk.
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