All My Tomorrows

Wed. July 17 / 10 I went to the hospital yesterday and the day before. On Monday to see the person running the cancer care clinic. On Tuesday to see the DR. I explained to both of them that the way that I figure it that there is just over 30 days of summer left. I was supposed to have one more cycle of chemo. Since the chemo is just "sort of working" (I am getting some pain control out of it). It is so rough this time around that rather than spend the last weeks of my last summer suffering from the effects of the chemo and living (sic) in a chemical haze that I have decided to not go back for the last session of chemo. I also spoke about the same thing to the home-care nurse. In the back of my mind I was hoping that they would try to dissuade me and say that the chemo is going to work. No such luck. They all said that if they were in my shoes that they would do the same . The Dr said that I have a very aggressive form of cancer and that they have been pursuing it aggressively with the chemo drugs. It’s the second time around and my body is not handling it so well , unfortunately the cancer is . I asked about more radiation therapy (I’ve have had 5 sessions already) , he said that there is a threshold of radiation that the body can withstand , and that I am at it. The Dr said to come to the hospital when the pain gets too bad. It has been over a month now since my last cycle of chemo. My “chemo brain” is starting to clear but the body is not bouncing back that well. I am into the 6th or 7th month since the chemo started. My body temp goes as low as 34.2 C. I am always cold. I am getting brown as a burnt biscuit . I sit out in the sun and bake as it is the only time that I feel relatively warm. I keep pushing myself to keep moving and have made some progress. I hit a threshold where I either get stuck , fall or come close to passing out. Yesterday I made it out ¼ mile onto the spit during slack tide . I got out into the water up to my thighs . I start to seize up from the cold and have to hurry to get back in. If I seize up and fall down in the shallow water I would easily drown. No one would see me (drowning is not a bad way to go). I enjoy it however. I am not whining or looking for sympathy , just documenting. I am forcing myself to do some stretches , some light exercises and I try to keep moving as much as possible. I am hoping that I can somehow regain some stamina. I get frustrated because I have to concentrate so fckng hard to do anything , then have to analyze how my body is reacting and then figure out when to stop . If I push too hard things get really rough. Socializing is also very demanding and tiring. The last few days the main thing on my mind was what to do as far as the cancer therapy goes . After seeing the dr yesterday , the decision has been made. The oncologist from Vancouver might see things differently , but the decision has been made. At this stage I am pretty fragile mentally and physically. I move pretty slow. It has taken me 21/2 hrs to write this so far. Looking at it , I feel a bit guilty that I don’t have much uplifting to say . Although I did start out with a stroll down memory lane , it has taken me 3 hrs to write this . I am starting to fade. I going to put my decision to stop the chemo behind me (7 months of hell, man) , it will take me a day or two to “get my mind right’’ and I will write again and see what or if I can plan anything for the rest of the summer. Bye for now , see ya on the other side. o830 I am trying to trade in all of my tomorrows for a few todays.