Time to Live

Fri. Mar. 5 / 10 0230 The cancer . I lay down and the cancer rattles and sings. I now know what the wheezing death rattle is .The strangest noises come out when the lung is slightly compressed and the tumours produce mocking whistling songs and rattles. I looked at the x-rays yesterday , reality rears its ugly head and I could see the metastasise of the cancer as it progresses throughout my lungs. Push , push and more push . The oncologist told me to take it easy but I find the only way to get some semblance of physical well being is to have 3 or 4 coffees , just keep moving and force myself to do some light exercises. Maybe it’s the endorphin s than kick in after awhile. I can usually push past the point of lethargy and take the sweet ride of feeling not to bad for a few hours. Sometimes I pay dearly for this if I push the activity too far. Then I am wracked in pain for a few days and have to start the regime of activity slowly again. Knock on wood, since the chemo stared most of the pains have subsided. I had forgotten what it feels like not to be in serious pain. Exercise is also the best way to relieve the depression that comes with a terminal disease. The depression. Imagine working on an assembly line every day. Performing a mind numbing task over and over again for over a year, being in physical discomfort all the time. All the time knowing, this is what you will be doing day in day out until you die. The job getting more difficult and painful as the days bring you closer to death. I am not complaining but being descriptive as I am asked what it feels like. I do manage to push past the depression each day for awhile. The razor blades have been kept in the drawer so far. Getting bald as a baby from the chemotherapy. I should be covered in oil and rolling around naked with a woman rather than dealing with Unions and bureaucrats in order to survive. Where there is life there is still the desire to do some living. My goal still is to stay alive into summer. I am not getting a positve feedback from the medical community. I have kept the reaper at bay twice as long as was expected. I know that my luck will run out soon but will continue to keep “stroking” and hope for the best. The fatigue is constant but since the chemo I am having difficulty passing out (sleep?). Maybe god is telling me not to waste time trying to rest. Man should exist to live . He/she should not just live to exist . Bye For Now or see ya on the other side .