Fast,fast, fast

0941 PDT There is a common thread that has ran through many conversations that I have had with other caner patients . Cancer patients that are close to the end. The floor itself sometimes feels like it is slipping away from underneath my feet. Nov.30/10 2400 PST . The Song Of The Day Is : “Tupelo Honey” by Van Morrison My resting pulse is 100+ . The cancer like my pulse is moving fast , fast , fast! AGAIN!!!. The cancers are at it again. My eyes open. I find myself sitting in front of the computer , fingers resting on top of the keyboard. I type a couple of words ,perhaps a sentence. My head starts to slump forward , I pass out, My eyes open and again I find myself sitting in front of the computer . I type a couple of words , perhaps a sentence . I am dizzy . My resting pulse is above 100 beats per minute. It has been that way for days and weeks now . I fear that my heart will not withstand the duty much longer . There is no real sleep now either. I am running the gauntlet again . A CT scan is to be performed today and the oncologists in Vancouver have assured me that if radiation therapy can help for my pain control , that they are pretty much ready to go . I am the one that has to handle all the logistics and chase the funding for the trip. 0407 My how things change !!!! Within 24 hours I have gone from being able to enjoy at least looking forward to what I thought might be a few weeks that would consist of at least a few hours a day . “God” , give me just 2 or 3 good hours a day. 2 or three hours when I can let my mind wander unhindered by the effects from the cancers that are now overtaking my body. Maybe I could enjoy a special meal that I am capable of preparing , enjoy a spectacular sunrise , enjoy the taste of a woman. Or at least be able to even think about such things . Early yesterday afternoon it might have still been possible . Since then the cancers and the pain management protocols that I follow have stripped of my ability to even contemplate such endeavours. Doctors and health care professionals fail to comprehend that “pain management” even if successful in numbing the pain , DOES NOT MEAN that the patient is being provided with any comfort from the effects of the pain. I can take narcotics till every inch of me is numb but I am still not be much more comfortable than I was while experiencing the full brunt of the pain. Other Cancer patients “get it“ , while most health care professionals (bless their souls however ) just can not wrap their heads around the this concept. “Modern”medicine” suffers from tunnel vision and TOO much influence from drug companies . The cancer patient runs up against the pervasive attitude of “if cannot be fixed with a drug , it cannot be fixed” .Education and intelligence have very little in common. Most people in the health care system are quite bright . I have ran across some doctors and nurses that are unbelievably perceptive . I can’t help but think that their abilities are stifled somewhat by the system that they must work within. I digress here .I am trying to convey that speed of which the cancer is now torturing me and how quickly it is sucking the life out of me. Again writing is hard. I now have to work hard to put each word down . On another subject . I can sense spirits around me as I have in the past. On previous occasions when my body was close to dieing I sensed the same. I can sense death close by. I am aware that this sounds weird but the sense is there. There is much more around us than just matter that we can see, feel and touch.