Towards The End 2

Thurs. Nov 5 /10 O615 PDT. The Song Of The Day Is: “A Whiter Shade Of Pale” by Procol Harum . The cancer: How do you cope , when your own body becomes your enemy ? One tumour is continuing to cut off my airway . It feels like some one is squeezing my airway , slowly tightening . I do not know when pressure will complete it’s task. Today? Within the next hour? Next week????? The cancer that has metastasized into my lymphatic system provides the pain. 7 months of chemotherapy , 5 more sessions of radiation treatment and a steady diet of narcotics (for all of which I am grateful). is what I went through for pain control .I recall when I could take an “asprin“. Pain control is the only help now that “modern medicine” can or will provide. How does one cope. I cannot speak for anyone else. I can only convey what works for myself and my four walls. First I had to accept the reality of my situation. I realized that I am not long for this world (unfortunately , the cancer has now progressed to the stage that makes me wonder, “is today going to be my last day”?) This does not mean that I have given “up the fight”. But, I have to accept the reality that my prognosis was and is grim (read the copy of the oncologists letter dated Dec . 5 / 2008 , life expectancy at the time was 6 to 8 months , which I scanned but do not know how to insert yet) before I can realistically keep on. . I had to learn to periodically disassociate myself from my body. Otherwise , the discomfort inflicted by the disease completely overwhelms , takes over , and leaves me no time to try to do some living during what time is left. I know that this sounds odd, but it can be done , ,it has to be done. Diet , and supplements , these are as important , as necessary as radiation therapy , chemotherapy and doctors . Want to die really quick when you have cancer? Then get admitted into the hospital. The diet ; most terminally ill people cannot survive on cafeteria style food that is provided by a profit orientated private company that provides heavily processed food , nor does the 3 meal a day program work. The “Henry Ford” assembly line health care that is administered to a terminally ill person will , kill you quick. Health care has been influenced more by drug companies (whose only concern is profit), and systems management types that are willing to spend recklessly on administration , while skimping on wages and salaries of doctors ,nurses , technicians ,house keeping , farming out food services and not providing the equipment and beds that these people require to provide the excellent care that they are capable of providing. Most doctors , nurses and technicians provide stellar care when you consider the limitations of system that they must work within. I know of what I talk about . I was in palliative care a year ago last Christmas . Had I stayed , limited my use of pain meds and not pushed myself to keep moving , I would have been dead long ago. Gee! another rant. Keeping moving helps immensely. Squeeze a tennis ball . Move the body around when you can’t get out of bed , walk, stretch, have sex , pace , anything !!! , just move as much as possible.Prayer ? I’m not religious , but I still pray , there is power in prayer. Find something to look forward to each day. Again anything at anytime that one is capable. When depression and pain debilitate , I just keep trying to find and do something positive and of interest. For the most part , I have four walls , myself and the cancer for company . For myself , this silly blog (which probably rarely if ever gets reads) , the concentration that it takes to write these thoughts down I am sure , has at times , prevented me from “going off the deep end” and has helped me tolerate the pain .I am aware that the doctors and nurses say not to wait till the pain sets in before taking pain medications and recommend that depression should also be treated with drugs. I may have taken not taking pain meds too far at times . I’ve been curled up in a foetal position , bawling my eyes out from the pain and mentally gone into the depths of despair before. But I still firmly believe that the fact that I stayed away from and still limit the pain medications has helped me extend my life for this long. Other than an occasional 1 mg of antivan , I refuse to take any drugs that “mess with the mind” . Hell , I am dying from a insidious , incurable disease, some pain and depression is to be expected . All medications have detrimental and sometimes deadly side effects. I find that sacrificing medicated comfort in exchange for those occasional non-medicated moments of comfort and lucidity are a fair trade. ( I have to admit however , when the pain reaches it’s full force crescendo for extended periods of time , that I am not only willing to take the pain medication , but would be willing to lose the use of my legs if the pain would just stop)I also surround myself music that I enjoy , eye pleasing pictures and art. Soothing the soul is as important as nourishment for the body. ANGRRR ! Is another coping mechanism , not aimed at anything or anyone in particular. It works , I have used anger when I can barely move to get up and get moving , the movement , in turn releases the anger and usually , does nothing but good for body and soul. The sea , the wind and the sky. For myself I draw strength from the natural beauty that surrounds me. At the stage that my disease is at I know that I could lay down and die within a few days or within a few weeks at the most. The extent of the cancer in my body , the fact that it has metastasized from my lung into my lymphatic system as well as being a very aggressive form of cancer , I might just die within a few days or weeks regardless of my coping mechanisms. I am at times scared . I have had an interesting life and am grateful for the life that I have and had. But I’m not dead yet and will continue to find some joy and lessons from the life that was given to me. Maybe Tomorrow.