Etiquette

Nov. 1/10 The Song Of The Day Is : “To Close/On My Way To Heaven” by Mavis Staples Your going to visit or have a conversation with someone that is near death and dying with cancer. Here comes that awkward moment. What do you say? What do you do? How do you overcome that guilty feeling . Should I stay and talk longer ? What the hell do I say? (Don’t say “have you got your Set for Life lottery ticket yet“?) Why do I feel like I just want to get away , get this situation out of my mind ?  I have  been grasping and hanging on to life for so long now that I have a hard , if not impossible time putting myself in the position of “outside looking in”. There are a couple of things that you might want to keep in mind. When was the last time that you spoke or seen the ill person. A few hours ago ? A few days , weeks or months? Try to think back to that time that you last spoke and walked out the door , or hung up the phone. What did you do? How full were your days ? How many times did you get up , go to work , out to dinner , how many different situations and how many experiences have you had since you last spoke or seen this person ? How many more plans for the future have you made? Now think how much life has passed since you last spoke with the dying person. You walk into the persons room or dial the phone . There is a good chance that the dying person is pretty close to being in same physical position as he/she was when you last spoke or visited. During this same period of time the dying person has probably gone through some near death experiences , has not had one moment of real comfort. The minutes and hours are spent “hanging on”. Personally I just spent more than 40 days trying to breath and not choke to death , most of the time in bone crushing pain. Let me tell you , the seconds drag. Is this my last breath ? I am going to choke to death now? Is the cancer going to hit my brain now , in the next hour? tomorrow ?next week??? A couple of things to keep in mind. Try not to put the dying person in the position of having to expend the energy to comfort yourself , or have to deal with your denial. Consider that since you last seen or spoke with this person , that they have probably analysed their medical condition over and over and extensively spoke about care , symptom control etc. with health care professionals. Don’t push the dying person to relive every symptom in detail for you unless the person wants to. I recall when I was diagnosed with incurable extensive stage small cell lung cancer with an extremely grim prognosis. I ended up having to educate and explain my situation 6 to 10 times a day. It was hard enough to deal the prognosis on my own . Having to deal with the “well you never know” “there might be a miracle “ maybe it will go into remission? “Oh your going to be around for a long time“ is tireing for an already exhausted person. I have a theory about the denial. People do not want to confront their own mortality . When your visiting or talking a dying person , it is staring you in the face. People seem to miss the key word “incurable”! I realize that this situation is difficult for both parties . From a dying persons perspective it is extremely comforting to just know that someone cares , regardless of the awkwardness. There is so much to say , but little steam to keep going. Maybe tomorrow. (Five bucks)