Aug. 2 /10 0128 PDT The Song of The Day Is. “Crazy Mama” as Performed by J. J. Cale 19 days of real summer left in my life. The night air is cool here already. Migrating birds are making their appearance here as they stop for a rest. The breeze from the ocean is cool. When the south easterly winds start , summer will be over. The sun rises a little further to the south each day from behind the mountains on the mainland. The pre dawn blue hues of the sky still paints the ocean water . When the sun makes it’s appearance , the sky above the mountains turns crimson and lays a path of orange on the water from the mainland to the shores of the Island. This brilliant show each morning will continue for a few more weeks. Then the artist will put his/her paints away till next summer. I regret that I won’t be here for that show. Each morning that I get the privilege of witnessing this work of art in progress unfolding on natures canvas is precious. The Cancer: 7 months of chemotherapy gave me some pain relief . “Chemo” however has it’s own kind of special hell. I described the effects in previous posts. Each cycle of chemo however ravages the body . The body never recovers to the state that it was in prior to the chemo. While the chemo sliced away some life during each cycle it did keep the worst of the symptoms at bay. Prior to the first session of cycles of chemo the pain was such that I could not lay down. I would pace for days and nights till exhaustion would knock me down, I would then pass out for up to ½ an hour till the pain would make it impossible to keep lying down , I would get up , pace around for more hours , until again , the exhaustion would knock me down , and so on and so on… ! There is no comfort now , but compared to what I have previously experienced what I feel now is bearable. My balance and linear thought has returned to some degree. For that I am thankful. It is amazing what the body can go through. I can feel the main tumour in my body growing and spreading now. The dr.s and oncologists have said on numerous occasions that my cancer is very aggressive. I wonder if that’s just not another way of saying that the therapy did not do much. The cancer will soon either metastasize to my brain (this could result in being crippled ,blinded etc. etc) , affect my spinal column from C6 or 7 down crippling me , or because of the main tumours position cause me to drown in my own blood. These are the most probable ways that I will die. The fatigue increases and fluish sick feeling increases daily. So far , It takes hours but I do manage to overcome for at least a few hours each day. During that time I enjoy the moment and think about the things that I should be grateful for. There is still room in my life , however brief to be “in the positive” and enjoy life. I still enjoy cooking and eating , beautiful women and their delicious curves , the beauty of the land and sea that surrounds me , sweet memories etc. etc. Advice for those that deal with the terminally ill. Think of time that you were feeling extremely unwell. Try to comprehend what it would be like to be feeling that way and worse all the time , the only relief will being death. If that person manages to pull themselves out of the doldrums and put a smile on their face. Try to comprehend how precious that moment is and either enjoy the moment with that person or let them enjoy it themselves. Those moments are few and soon there won’t be any. When the terminally ill seem irritable and disgruntled , recall again a time when you were feeling extremely unwell ,try to comprehend what it would be like to be feeling that way and worse all the time , the only relief will being death. Try to understand that the dour countenance and ill mood is caused by the disease and discomfort , and is not a reflection about how the person feels about you. Although you to may be dead soon , you probably won’t be. The terminally ill person will be dead soon and knows it. Now it’s time for me to “keep stroking” and find some beauty and comfort in the upcoming day as it seems that I have made it to live for at least one more. Since I have to scramble to survive I am posting the open letter again. Maybe someone from the Union or Graet West Life will read it and it will inspire them to put a persons life higher on their priority list than a little bit of paperwork. An Open Letter to the Trustees Union ( Local 500 I.L.W.U.) that has control of my death benefits. Release the funds so that I can spend the last few weeks of my life with some sense of independence and die with some dignity. All that has to be done is sign the paper. It cost the Union nothing. It would change how I live my last days out for the better immensely and means nothing to Great West Life as the funds are already allocated. The cheque is going to be issued soon any ways. Great West Life doesn’t care if the small amount of funds is released now or in a few weeks. Let a person living use the funds and maintain some security and dignity during their last days instead of throwing the funds into a hole in the ground. Bye for Now See , Ya On The Other Side Thanks , everyone for the cards and letters. Aug. 2 1010 1340 PDT I was not really feeling up to it but I got out for a short walk any way. What a mistake ! My body just said ,NO , I pushed it and now I pay for it with fatigue and discomfort . It feels like I just did 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. I get frustrated. There is no way to plan anything. Whatever I try to do , I first have to test the waters so to speak . Like a child at the beach , that first dips his/her toe in the water to test the temperature . I start even the most mundane of tasks and then realize that I cannot achieve the task at hand. Overdo an activity and I end suffering for too long after. If I do not do anything , I will get more and more tired until I become bedridden. As with most cancer patients that are near “trails end” , it is a juggling act as far as how much activity one should and/or can do. I keep putting off a trip to go and see my oncologist . But I realize that there is no way that I can make the trip. I wouldn’t last the trip alone ,too much as far as logistics are concerned and too expensive. I had to miss the last session of chemo also. There was just no way of getting prepared for the care required before the chemo or for after. At times like this is when I feel as if I have been left here to rot. The feeling will not a last too long ,( as neither will I , cancer humour). There is little time left for self pity. I do admit that I get scared sometimes , being this close to deaths grasp. Onward !!!! Fool that I am I’m going to try to get out by the water again.
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