Wed. Aug. 12 /10 1210 PDT The Song of The Day Is : “A Hard Rains Gonna Fall” as Performed by Edie Brickell The Cancer: Again , I am not whining , but rather documenting what it is like to be dying from incurable Extensive Stage Small Cell Lung Cancer :The night sweats woke me . The consolation was, when I stuck my head out the door and lifted my head to the sky , the northern lights were undulating in the sky. A few minutes later they disappeared. I am getting worn. I am not comfortable sitting , I am not comfortable standing , I am not comfortable laying down . Sleep ? , now is not like anything I remember. During sleep I am wet and clammy. I wake up more tired than when I first laid down. The dreams are so vivid that they are almost entertainment. I am forgetting them as soon as I wake up , but I am trying to retrain my mind to keep them in memory. I have heard from numerous people , that the dying should pay attention to their dreams. Sometimes I feel like every cell in my body is nervously and uncomfortable vibrating. The effects of the cancer are a never ending nightmare. One is on the rack , once the tension is applied , it is never going to be slackened off and the tension is always increasing. Day after day , night after night , week after week , month after month , the discomfort is a constant companion. Movement makes the symptoms more bearable. On of Dr.s that I am under the care of , said the bone deep fatigue and most of the other symptoms are caused by the active tumours in my body spewing toxins throughout my whole body. I have stayed away from the narcotics that it is constantly suggested that I take , both by Dr.s and by acquaintances. In my mind this has been a factor in my relative longevity. Ones mindset also has a lot to do with how one handles and fights a terminal disease We as a society have a mindset . Got a problem , take a pill. I have to admit that the months of chemo therapy has been the main reason that I am not dead yet . But “holy smoke” what a price was paid for a few extra months of life. When the pain has developed to a bone crushing , 2cnd and 3rd degree burn intensity I have broken down and taken some serious pain medication. For the most part I have avoided “the pill trap. I try to find something positve in each day and treat each new day as gift as a way to put the discomfort and pains out of my mind. Keeping the body moving as much as possible , may sound simple , but is an effect way of coping with the discomfort also. The consolation of not being medicated is that I am staying as lucid as possible during my last days/weeks. Occasional recreational drugs as far as I am concerned are fine , but one needs to be healthy to enjoy them. The fatigue sets and limits how much I can write. I would like to document the dreams , leave some of my life experiences and opinions behind .However handling this disease is a full time job. There less and less time in each day for me to write , cook , walk , etc. etc... Mentally and physically. I worry now about the tumour that is starting to obstruct my airway.Wondering and worrying about the cancer metastasizing to my brain. I will get into "the positive" at least for awhile today. Bye For Now . See ya on the other side .-----------------------------------------------Aug. 12 /10 0530 PDT 0530 At 1210 I had to get up because I was sweating too much. Just now I was under three blankets and shivering. If today is going to be similar to the others , by the afternoon I will sit outside in the hot sun to warm myself. Another of the effects of the cancer. My temp. right now is 34. 8 C . Like a “Yo-Yo” my body temperature fluctuates between 35 C and 36.7 C . The change can happen within a few minutes . The most extreme fluctuation that I have measured was from 34.3C to 37.7 C in approx. 60 seconds.
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