The Best That I Can

Sat.14 /10 0500 PDT The Song of The Day Is : “Lady Blue” by Leon Russell . I try to live each day through and live it out the best that I can. Small pieces of normal life keep slipping through my fingers. Like dirty laundry on the floor , small chores pile up and hang around . Things that don’t get done are unlikely to get done in the future .It is difficult to explain but “existing” is a chore most of the time. I can sense the cancer in my system as my body becomes more fragile. All the Dr.s that I have spoken with are of the opinion that I am at the end of any therapy that might reduce the growth of the cancer. The active tumours continue to spew toxins throughout my body. The toxins aggravate nerve endings. This is the reason for the pains that appear , disappear , then reappear in all parts of my body. The most severe attack me deep inside my body. I could medicate myself into a stupor. Lucky me , few medications work at all . Most leave me swimming in a chemical soup , but the pain is still there . So far the pains are nothing near what I have experienced prior to my diagnosis and prior to the last 7 months of chemo. For that I am grateful. I can sense the pains rearing their ugly heads. Like a victim being swarmed in a street fight , I wait for the next kick , hope that the explosion of pain is not too severe and that the pain won’t last long. 24/7 , day in day out and throughout the night the fatigue and discomfort never give me a break. Every part of my body is now becoming tender. I keep pacing , stretching and moving the best that I can. For awhile each day I manage to “walk away from it all” and put it behind me . At least in my mind , then I try to do some livin. I speak to someone , then when I speak with that person again , whether it is a few hours , days or months later , I know that they do not comprehend that the fight and the ill feeling for me has been constant since we last spoke . I don’t expect people to comprehend. I do wish however that they could understand what has to be overcome in order to concentrate on a conversation , or why it takes awhile to put a smile on my face. My energy levels to do anything at all are starting to fade quickly. I keep trying to keep moving , maybe build up some stamina ,but there has been no luck in that department lately. I try my “damndest” to look outward and mentally participate in the world around me , but the effects of the cancer keep drawing me inward into a downhill spiral. I am now afraid that the cancer is metastasizing to my brain. I would rather lose my legs . Any chance to do any “livin” is quickly fading . I’ll try to put a smile on and “keep movin”. Later , Bye for Now See Ya , On The Other Side. Again I am not whining , but documenting. "On with the day !!!!!"