Mon. Sept. 14/09 Song of the day is “Closing Time” by Leonard Cohen He grasps the quintessential old Canadian bar experience , the old black round tables , the pickled egg jar , the cheap romances and violent outbreaks that were forgotten while nursing a hangover and headache the next day. As far as dying goes I have pushed the thought aside for most of the day. I only have one type of pain today and I can deal with that . Psychologically the ride is a bit rougher , I noticed a large black outline (the size of two tennis balls) on my skin on my chest where the main tumour lays hidden from my view underneath my skin in my lung, I am getting eaten up from the inside but am trying to put that thought out of my head. I spend all of my time alone so the mind can go to some pretty funny places . I am trying to make spiritual peace with myself before I die but chasing $ to survive gets in the way.
Mon. Sept.15/09 The sunrise is spectacular today. The fall weather is moving in , the visually gorgeous sunrises are becoming scarce although each one contains it’s own particular beauty. The song of the day is “SIGNS” by The Five Man Electrical Band. I remember when the song was first realeased and although trite it did grasp part of the social psyche of the time accurately. As far as my cancer is concerned ,fade , fade ,fading , getting up each morning is like getting up for a forced march but no matter how rough getting started is I still treasure each one as I do not have many left. By 11 am I get a bit tired of what my body is doing to me and dig deep to keep my chin up. I spend so much energy disassociating myself from the discomfort of my body that I have to consider the possibility that I would be better off without it. The Quote Of The Day Is “ If you are dishing sh.t out be prepared to eat from the same plate” by Azab" . The cynicism of the quote comes from listening to Canadian politicians posturing in the event of a possible upcoming election and the knowledge that no one lies more than politicians and police officers. The latter is paid and trianed to protect the interests of the former . Altough I harbour no disrepect for either I find it difficult to have any respect for either , they are both a necessary evil but they both comimit major crimes both morally and by illegal activity and all under the guise of a higher moral standard and under the pretense of public service. I do however have to respect their right to a safe living and workplace. There are a number of members of each profesion that have no desire to make the world a better place to live in and do inflict major suffering for members of our society without any remorse .