Osmosis

Tues. Sept.29/09 The song of the day is: “Something in the Air” by Tom Petty A reminder of simpler times . I heard somewhere that we use a different part of our brain when we listen to music than we use in our day to day living. There must be something to this as music has been prevalent in all cultures . The toes start tapping , the women start dancing and the music evokes memories of where we were and what we were doing when we first became attached to the song that we are listening to . I think that since we are social animals the music provides us with a common bonding experience . Then ther is allways the male female social interaction that often occurs during the experience. About Dying: The quote of the day is; “People living deeply have no fear of death” byAnais Nin My feeling is that when you stare in the face of death on a daily basis and the body fights your every effort to continue on living , the face of death sometimes looks pretty good. Since my episode with my bodies rebellious nature of subjecting me to way to much pain I have managed to put aside the pain medication as it made me start to cough up to much blood . I have returned to my witches brew of vitamins and elixers and I have to admit that the last two hours have been pretty good (knock on wood) , although not pain free anything less pain and discomfort that someone would feel with a bad hangover topped of with a bout of the flu has become the norm and I have fooled myself into believing that this is bearable. I do notice though that every time that I look in the mirror that my the look on my face seems to be that of a permanent scowl . The body seem to react without the concius mind being aware of what it is doing . I wake up at night and my body is all twisted and contorted , my belief is that my body is trying to get away from the largest tumor that is growing inside my chest. My dreams are becoming very vivid as I believe that the closer that one comes to death the more detailed weird and important our dreams become. I remember a time about 7 months ago when complications set in and I was on the verge of passing away my dreams (although at that stage there is really no state called sleep but just another state of being) became so vivid that ther is nothing that I can think of to describe the brightnes , staring at the sun does not even come close . Dreams at this stage are like another world on another plain and are interesting , scary and comforting at the same time .At this stage the dreams resemble an earthly plane , I can recall the people , landscape and events that occur during these sojourns. I don’t know if the DR.S realize what happens to cancer patients as they get closer to death. There is never any comfort and ther is really no state that one could call sleep, I appreciated the discussions that took place when I was receiving chemotherapy as I had a chance to discuss these experiences with other people going through a somewhat similar experience. There have been other times when the dreams are not of this conciousnes or planet but a journey where I keep reaching into a void that is not a void and the body is melting away from the soul exponentially moving faster and faster feeling that I am transcending to a point of no return and then somehow making it back. I know one of these times and it will be soon I will not make the journey back . I do miss the wet ones though although some have sexual episodes . If I have the time and energy I am going to try to describe these trips to the other side .