Wake up Slowly

June 21/10 The Song OF The Day Is. "The Healer" As performed by John Lee Hooker I documented the following experience of what an average start of day is for myself and many terminally ill cancer patients. People sometimes can take ones suffering personally , then for some strange reason cruelly lash back or just leave the person to rot. A terminally ill person is constantly suffering with no hope for anything better. Their countenance and mood is no reflection upon anyone else. It is just a manifestation of that suffering and lack of hope that slips out upon occasion. I wake up slowly . I open my left eye first , then the other. I lay where I am. I wait .Five minutes go by , ten go by then ½ an hour goes by. I start becoming aware of my surroundings and the presence of my body. I lay where I am and wait. This morning I am numb. Where am I? Can I move ? Why is there ice water running through the veins in my chest. I lay there for another ½ hr. I am laying on my side .My left arm is under my body. The closed fist at the end of my forearm is stiff an putting pressure against my chest. In my chest , underneath where my fist is lies the largest tumour. The one spewing the most toxins into me. It lies in my lung close to the center line of my body. I wonder when it is going to choke off my air supply , eat through the major blood vessels and the nerves running down my spine. My right leg is stiff as aboard . My right ankle twisted so that my foot is twisted inward. My toes are clenched and the top of my right foot is stretched as if it is trying to make a straight line with my shin. My left knee is involuntarily putting pressure against my right knee My right foot is stiff and twisted inward as if it is trying wrap itself around my stiffened left foot. My mouth agape and my brain numb. I move my fingers . I move my hands , then my arms. My mind starts to become aware. No major pain is my first thought. The thought runs through my mind like a question , then an awareness .I know that this is a contradiction but If anyone would suddenly come in and start talking to me now my body would be overcome. A sensation of moving poisonous electricity would course through my body. I know than my face is now contorted. Contorted into an involuntary scowl. Another ½ hr or so passes. My mind is starting to clear . I think .What do I need to do to get through the day. Check my temp. , bowel protocol ? Can I prepare food today?, can I shower , how do I get out to get the medications that I need for the next cycle of chemo, Aw shit ! I have to dress in dirty clothes again ! , my books from the library are overdue ! ,will I be able to walk much today ! , I hope there are no major pains coming , how the hell am I going to get out to go food shopping etc! etc! etc! … ! I reach over to the thermometer on the pillow beside me . Temp 34.5 C. One and ½ degrees into hypothermia. My ears ring and the suddenly my head feels like someone has just smashed me on ieter side of my head with the palms of their hands. I start to move my legs. I get them over the side of the bed and slowly sit up. I stand but am shaky. I ponder , has anything different really ! ! gone wrong? . I push my arms up over the top of my head and stretch a little. I walk stiff legged to the washroom. I put my hand up against the wall to hold myself up to urinate. Dam ! Everything is stiff this morning but my penis. I shuffle over to the kitchen sink . With both hands on the sink I bend over and try to stretch. Ah ! still no major pains. My fine motor skills do not work so well so when I go to make some coffee I drop the coffee filters two or three times and struggle to separate one of the thin paper filter from the other. I pour the water into the machine , I spill a bit of the water but not to much. While the coffee is brewing I start to get moving. I look out the window at the ocean . Standing I roll my head from side to side. I lift my arms up over my head again a stretch them out. I then roll my shoulders one at a time then both together. I bend over and stretch my back and the back of my legs. I pace around for a few minutes Temp ,35.2 C only 0.8 degrees into hypothermia. I go the washroom , brush my teeth and wash my face. I pour a cup of coffee , sweeten the hell out of it , have a few mouthfuls . Wait to see if the caffeine has any bad effects on me. Sometimes ½ a cup and my head goes cold and I have to go lay down or else I would fall down So far so good. I pace and stretch some more. I am still not of this world but I might just get close this morning. I paste a mile on my face the best I can , if I happen to see someone during the day and they ask how I am doing I say “good enough”. I still have ice water running through my veins. I know that the sensation will not subside for a few more hours if at all. I know that if I happen to see anyone that is aware of my situation for more than a few minutes they will say “gee you don’t look that sick” . Totally unaware of the boiling cauldron inside me. Last night I was clutching the phone again as again I felt as if I was passing away. I do not know why I clutch the phone . Die here ? die in a hospital ? , I did promise the landlord that I wouldn’t leave a mess , so I guess it’s die in the hospital if I can. It has been over 2 hours now since I opened my eyes I have If someone were to see me now. They would see a half smile on my face . I can almost move normally . What I can’t hide of the hell going thru my body I can fake. I do not believe that there is a single person , health-care professional or otherwise that can honestly handle or comprehend the truth of what a dying person is going through. Sometimes I feel like I am actually getting criticized for hanging on for too long. Today is the first day of summer. I am going “put on” some music try to wring some good out of today. I would love to get out and bake in the sun. I’ll do the best I can or die tryin