She's waiting for me to come on in for a swim?

Sun. Nov. 22/09 0600 I try to get out for walks on the beach. Sometimes I just fall down. I do not know why. The beach is secluded. I get worried but curiously attracted . Worried that if I fall down and can’t get back up before the tide comes back in that I will be swept away into the Ocean. Curious as to what it would be like to be swept up by the tide a drift out into the ocean. the The Dr.s seem unconcerned about treating any complications that I have . They seem to be mainly concerned with only one of the tumours . The largest , and the one considered most likely to cause my death. My balance and eyesight has started to go along with numerous other maladies( coughing up blood and a different pain in a different spot daily and sometimes hourly). There are to many too remember . I try to concentrate on one pain and one complication at a time. There are getting to be too many coming at me at once now . I guess that the chemo weakened all the systems in my body . These complications or a long swim is what I think will kill me. I do not want to go on “the morphine sleep ,deteriorate and die in a haze”. I watched my mother do this , I now know that it was cruell and she said as much. I am experiencing another brand new pain (maybe God is testing out his/her new lines on me, how to make people suffer for 2010) since yesterday afternoon. This one has me worried because it is in the chest and around my heart. I know. I know that there are people who read this and say “Why Doesn’t he just F/O and die already”. If these pains in the chest continue, today may be the day. Usually the first few hours of the day are semi-enjoyable .With another, another new pain and complication that is no longer the case. Things seem to start out bad and go down hill from there.I will keep on kepping on as long as I can.