Tues. Nov.10/09 The Quote of the Day Is: “Death itself is not so bad , it is the dying that gets you there that hurts” by Azab The Song of the Day Is: “Amoreena” Performed by Elton John ( no particular reason , the song just popped into my head) With depression so does the cancer grow. I am sure of this . I can feel the largest of the tumours in my chest acting up. I have noticed that my sense of smell comes on and off as if a switch goes on and off. At times I almost fall because my right side gives out. I can drink 3 cups of coffee laced with sugar and immediately go to sleep. My eye sight is also starting to act up .I am not as afraid of going blind as I once was. My concern is that the cancer has spread to my brain. I am not afraid of much anymore , certainly not dying. I get angry from and at the pain. I am afraid of the humiliation and loss of independence that will occur when the cancer metastasises to my brain , if it hasn’t already. I have been coming close packing it at times due to my loss of financial independence ,(3 cans of beans and two cigarette butts left) but never seem to be able to muster up the courage. I am sure that when my body deteriorates into a puddle of humiliation that I will have the courage to complete the task. It is just plain cruel to have sit in pain and wait to die. These are the cards that have been dealt to me , so I will make out the best that I can. I hope that no one else that I know and wish that no one else for that matter , has to go through what I have been , and will be going through. I know that there is and will be much suffering in the world but my wish remains. I remember when my mother was dying of cancer and was in palliative care at the hospital. I was at her side when the DR. came in . She was in emotional distress. She was particularly concerned about the periods of time when she was not lucid. She grabbed the Dr’s hand and expressed “you wouldn’t believe where I ’ve been , the things that Ive seen”. I now fully understand what she meant. When one has experienced numerous near death experiences and is near death and wracked with pain for extended periods of time (12 to 24 months) the mind allows ones mind to go to these places. I do not expect normal healthy people to understand this , but you will at some time. Even though I am immobile most of the time I still travel. Places unimaginable. Places closer to “far away” than one can conceive. Hungry souls slip into my sleeping consciousness during what can be considered sleeping moments. Sometimes places are crowded , other times I am as alone as suffocation in a cold starless sky. I am not overly anxious to experience too much of the other side as I will be there soon. I wonder if forever is going to be a lengthy stay?
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