Fri. Nov. 13/09 Woke up at 0300 and I was suffocating. I have learned to recognize and control the terror and paranoia that overcomes me when my supply of oxygen is diminished or restricted. That first few seconds though . Boy let me tell you !!! . My body bolts upright almost flying off the bed . It feels like someone is trying to murder me untill I figure out what is going on , calm myself ,and hope that I can get enough oxygen into me to continue living. When the nurses come by I will ask them to set up a supply of oxygen. They started to come by once a week now and are persistent about it too. I did not ask them to come on a weekly basis. I had to go the emergency dept. a few times and I wonder if the Dr.s from the cancer agency or emergency dept. did not call them and suggest that they see me frequently. They are a Godsend . Even though their vists remind me of upcoming death they are a ray of sunshine at times of bleakness. I know that it is their job to provide comfort and care but that aside it takes exceptional people to do what they do. They always , always do more than they really have to. I hate to be sexist but how else could a haggard old fool like myself be in the company of these beautifull women. Shit ., I hope that I hav’nt jinxed it and next time they send a male nurse. I have decided though that I will pack it in when someone has to wipe my ass. I believe that I have mustered up the courage and means to accomplish that. The autopsy word has already been mentioned to me at the cancer agency. I just hope that the cancer kills me by spreading to one of my vital organs or the main tumour eats through the major blood vessels and I drown in my own blood(these are the two most probable ways that the cancer will kill me)rather than the cancer hitting my brain and leaving me paralysed and on a ventilator. I would rather that the choice of how I die is my choice and not the cancers. I will not suffer the humiliation on top off the pain. I do not expect to see Christmass 09. but I will keep trying to live. Depression may also be my demise. I have given up on any help forthcoming from any outside sources that would enable me to do a bit of living before I die soon. I remain grateful, if not happy for my present situation. I wonder what others would do if they knew that death was at their door and about to knock. The last few days I have only had to deal with one kind of pain and my diminishing ability to breath . Childs play compared to what I have dealt with before. If I had to describe what today feels like , I would say it is like having pneomonia , add pain and an extra measure of fatigue. Don’t forget about the big black dog depression nipping at the heels. This is a good day so far compared to most and my spirits for the time being are comparatively good. So , I will keep on banging away here and leave a few few final thoughts behind. I find a bit of comfort in this . Otherwise I would just be sitting here with my finger up my butt so to speak. I would kill for a comfortable chair though.I believe that my choice of supplements and concotions has extended my life somewhat and suggest anyone with terminal cancer do the same. I have experimented a few times by stopping to take the concoctions for a while and paying close attention how my body reacts and feels during the period of times that I am on or off the concoctions. I can honestly say that I do notice marked improvement when I am taking the concoctions and supplements. Any improvement from laying in bed in discomfort and tired as hell all the time makes me click my heals. Part of the positive effect may due to a placebo affect. Dr”s do not understand how this works , nor do I, but it does work as far as I am concerned . I would not have forgone the Radiation and Chemotherapy because without those therapies I would not have been alive to experiment !! with the alternatives. I am a statistical anomaly now as I should have died a while ago as far as modern medicine is concerned. If I would have had the means I also would have taken an alternative oleander cancer treatment , had things set up so that I could exercise properly , taken up transcendental meditation and taken part in other activities having a positive affect on disposition. The meditation and exercise would keep the depresion at bay. I am not joking when I say with the deppresion the cancer grows, I am sure of it. I believe that I could have extended my life for possibly another 8 months maybe even a year or more. C’est La Vie. Bye
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