Smiley Faces

Thurs. Dec .17/09 The Quote of The Day Is. “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live” by Norman Cousins The Song of The Day is Tracy Chapmans “For My Lover” I stumbled across this song the other day and remembered how good this song was and is. I think that the cancer is doing well as I am not. I am in debilitating pain for more days during the week than I am not. I am back to strong coffee and a few cigarettes in the morning rather than stretches and light exercises. They help the mind but I am sure do little for the body. The bodies familiarity with the early morning regime I hope will bring some regularity. ( My I digress). I had established a good frank rapport with my oncologist . On a previous visit I had brought her and the nurses some pictures of the beach in the front /back? yard. In one of the pictures I have an unlit cigarette. Being a trained observer , she noticed. She has left on maternity leave ,so the last visit that I had with her really was the last visit with her. During that visit , and on most previous visits , she was refreshingly frank yet extremely caring and in my opinion very competent. She said to enjoy the things that I enjoy NOW ! and whenever I am able to . She said that it is doubtful that smoking a few cigarettes will have much affect on my life at this stage . (We can inhale exhaust fumes and toxic discharges , live under high voltage lines , drink and ingest a myriad of cancer causing chemicals , fill our homes with toxic emitting furnishings , eat food that has been stripped of its nutritional value and covered with poisons , modified without any regard towards peoples health but rather the need of the industries. Then people have the audacity to look down on someone smoking even while they are pissing in their own jar of pickles) She also told me to pay attention to my cravings( a bit of an odd thing to say considering most doctors look at a patient the same way an auto mechanic looks at a car).I will miss her as a doctor , and somewhat as a confidant. It does bring me joy that she is bringing in a new life as I am leaving. It must be a difficult career that she has chosen , knowing that every one of her patients is on their way out . Personally I am glad that she did choose it , and respect her ability to deal with what must be an emotionally demanding profession. I wish her and her newborn well. Tomorrow I am back to being poked , prodded ,poisoned , X-rayed , bled and CTed. The affect of imported American administrative protocols that the Canadian health care system started to implement as early as the late seventies has started to have a SNAFU affect from the get go. I was sent two totally conflicting set of instructions as to how to prepare for the one test. There was needless blood work requested and if I follow the wrong instructions the test results would be compromised. I guess I am venting .With only a few half decent hours a day I do not want to use them up in hospital dept’s straightening out procedural errors. When I think about it , it probably wont make a lick of difference in my life expectancy but would have caused a lot of unwarranted pain and discomfort. American Corporate Communists should stick to brainwashing and fleecing their own citizens and not export their misery to free and democratic societies that still have some vestige of free speech and social conscience. ( I am referring to how our medical bureaucracy spends untold millions on implementing American administrative techniques rather than patients in need of medical attention.) American logic , The Saudis bomb new york , well invade some other country that had nothing to do with it. People need money spent on medical attention , hell , spend the money on management programs designed to give people less care. Why on earth take advice from a country that neglects its children and elderly , and dumps its poor and sick on the side of the road to die. I have a few relatively comfortable hours in the morning , by early afternoon I am shaky and exhausted , by the evening I want to crawl out of my skin. I have noticed that I have become frustrated with the constant complications and physical deterioration . At times I become juvenile and come close to throwing childish tantrums aimed at inanimate objects. This behaviour further frustrates and is demeaning. I try my best to overcome this negative behaviour. It has been well over a year now facing death , almost dying numerous times , the complications and pain are present on an ever increasing basis , both in severity and frequency. I am sure that this has had a negative effect on my “mental” state , it keeps getting more difficult to put on that smiley face. I hope that I do not adversely affect the few people that I do come into contact with. The last new round of pain an complications had me ready to pack it in. I am still dealing with gov’t bureaucrats . I imagine that my beneficiaries will be happy with the results further on down the road . That brings me some piece of mind. I stopped praying , stopped taking my supplements , have let the fridge go empty , stopped exercising and am still not sure if I will go see the oncologist after my tests tomorrow. If the will to survive does not kick in soon I will decide whether or not to keep on keeping on. Tired ,tired , tired. I am grateful however for all the good intentions that people have had towards me. For those few , I hope that they never have to experience what I have gone through. For the other malicious greedy types , well , they can kiss my sweet Lithuanian ass . I really do not wish anyone anything ill , but it does feel good to get that out. On that note I believe that I have come full circle back to the quote by Norman Cousins at the beginning of this dribble “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live” . Bye For Now Gotta get into the positive !