Sincerely

Sat.Oct.9/10 The Cancer: My body temp is 34.3 C. There has been not much of a break yet.The discomfort and pains still make their presence known as I try to control the symptoms from the cancer with the narcotics that the Dr’s prescribe and the nurses direct me to take. Too many variables. I have come to realize now that eating causes severe pain. I still cannot lay down for any length of time because of the pain. Even when I medicate to the point of passing out , within 40 minutes to an hour my eyes are open and I have to get up and pace . My movement has been restricted by fatigue , there just is no stamina.And I know that there will be consequences from too much movement. I guess God is deciding to take away the last 2 things that bring me a bit of comfort. Maybe 3 things ,Food , movement and I haven’t been able to get horny for awhile now. I am sure that by now my body is addicted to the drugs (opioid analgesics) . If I were to stop now I would have to suffer now from the symptoms of withdrawal along with the experiencing the full brunt of the pain. There has been no real sleep for close to 2 years now. The few weeks has gone to a whole new level , I lay down for 15 min to an hour , then I have to get up and pace. This is the only way that I can bear existing. Coming to the realization that eating causes severe problems frightens me a bit. I ask myself,how much longer will my body be able to continue on like this? One consolation is that pre diagnosis (Oct 2008), I was almost in as bad shape then as I am now. Then I forced myself to go to work . Climbing down a 70ft unprotected ladder into a hold of a ship , basically risking my life by operating a bulldozer in a confined area on an unstable surface that could overturn the machine very easily. If one was not on the ball one could be instantly killed.(It was enjoyable however) I thought that I was suffering from depression,the flu and had somehow cracked some ribs. Another time while having a confrontation with a group of people I did not sleep for 6 months, other than a cat nap for an hour or so each day. A dangerous and stressful business still had to be continued to be conducted each day. I know that the body can pushed far beyond what would be considered possible. This cancer though has taken me to the limit of my endurance. Unlike 2008 urgent chemotherapy is no longer an option for me. So the cancer grows. It is extremely difficult communicating with people whose main concerns are their house and what colour their next car should be. Or the people that have to relate everything that is going on to how the situation affects themselves. They cannot seem to fathom that they really aren’t of any consequence , and matter little . Unless they can put themselves aside and put themselves in another persons shoes ,their concern towards any aspect of life appears insincere. The same type of insincerity as when people ask “how are you today” and any answer other that “great” or “just fine” will bring looks of disapproval , especially if one is being honest. I realize that these little niceties are our little “tail wags” that help us get through our daily encounters with other people politely. Sometimes I think that it might be best just to get that nose right up the crotch and get to meat of matters . Because of the pain and discomfort I catch myself being guilty of this “being consumed by ME” much too often. I am not comfortable with what I consider my own selfishness. The pain , the discomfort and the fact that I will be dead soon tends to draw all of my attention inward. I do try to garner my strength and overcome this “fault” the best that I can. During the last 20 or so years I have had to endure some extreme physical abuses , and have had to put my life , freedom and resources on the line in order to survive and exist. If one was not forthright the consequences were severe. These previous experiences and the fact that every minute that I now have is precious are probably the reasons for my intolerance of the mundane and insincerity. I would like to not be guilty of behaving in this manner during my last days. I do appreciate good manners and people that are considerate towards others . Unfortunately for me, sincerity or insincerity exposes itself to me as blatantly as a light in a lighthouse window. “Mean what you say and say what you mean” might be a good motto for people to keep in mind when dealing with the “almost dead”. What is good ? I usually get to experience the good side of most people. I have always maintained that there is some good in everyone (except skinners , rats , most politicians and most cops). When people really try to be sincere, and try to bring out the good that is within them , I feel like I am basking in warm sunshine. I have been lucky that the majority of people that I have come across let me bask. They also inspires me to try to be more considerate and understanding towards other people. I do not like to admit it but I am no better than anyone else when it comes to this “me“ syndrome. I do keep trying to overcome however. If I last till next week I am supposed to get to Vancouver for Radiation treatment.(I have already had 5 previous sessions) .The doctors said that the are going to try to reduce some of the main mass. Hopefully opening up my airway some and possibly there will be less pain to deal with. I do not know if I will survive the trip , the radiation , or the 10 days in the city. I am physically , financially and emotionally drained . I will do the best that I can. I am hoping that if I make it through the treatment it will give me ,if not more time , some physical comfort. The Song Of The Day Is : Samba Pa Ti” By Santana - What scares me? I know that this is a battle that I will not only lose , but I will also have to suffer while I lose it.- What is there to look forward to? I know that on a personal level , some good can be wrung out of every situation. Maybe Tomorrow