Try A Little Harder

Thurs. Oct. 28 /10 . The Song Of The Day Is : “Final Feet” by the Cowboy Junkies (the first 5 minutes of it ). 0613 The physical assault of the cancer on my body has lessened somewhat. I am still in pain , but it is not the flesh burning , bone crushing type . I still am either choking or on the verge of doing so. The assault however is not as bad as it has been for the last 40 or so day’s. I was clinging to life with the tips of my fingers. Apparently I hide it well , or so I am told. I spend 98+ % alone. When I do see someone I can usually maintain degree of sociability. Any terminal cancer patient will tell you that this can be hard for to do , but look forward to the brief encounters all the same. No one really gets to see the boiling cauldron inside. Maybe this is as it should be. There are absolutely no moments of comfort now ,not even for brief periods but!!! I am ailing less now than I have been from the time that the cancer rapidly metastasized into my lymphatic system . The last 40 or so days. Causing pain that almost stops one from breathing and leaves one wide eyed in terror. And then there’s the growing tumour in my chest that makes me choke and gag. I have been close to going over to the other side before . But never as close and with so much pain as the last 40 or so days. The key is however that I am suffering less now!!!. It is time to try to draw some strength from what is left of me. Try to make some sense of the journey that I my life has taken. It is time to garner some strength , draw the good and beauty from this existence and reflect it back to all that I see. I am still hoping that the latest radiation therapy that I went through will give me at least a few weeks ,of a few hours ,of each day ,of enough relief so that I can think about something else besides dealing with the present symptoms along with wondering what is going to hit me next. Maybe Tomorrow ? No !1!! It is time to try now !, as I know that it is my time to die soon. Hopefully I will able to think of the words that describe my dying experience in more positive and brighter fashion. There has to be some awareness that comes with dying , especially with this “slowdeath” that I have been experiencing. There has to be some positive thoughts that can be left behind.