Five Bucks

Oct. 29 / 10 I mentioned when I started this blog that part of it‘s purpose was to document. To express what a terminally ill cancer patient goes through while struggling to stay alive . While struggling to do some living in the little time that is left. I also think that I have and could have shared some dam good advice regarding making the experience of having chemotherapy less horrific. For both patient and the people that are close to the patient. The chemo for me was particularly rough . I almost passed away a few times and was actually admitted into palliative care for awhile(over a year ago). While I was in palliative care I had a choice. I could have laid down and died ( had I decided to do this I know that I would be dead within a few days or weeks) or I could “dam the torpedoes” and claw and scratch to stay alive. I decided the latter. The last 40 or so days has had me knocking on heavens door again. It has been ten days now since my last session of radiation therapy. Without it I am sure that by now I would have either been dead from the cancer , exhaustion or in so much pain that I would prefer death. Yes there are pain medications available. At the moment I am taking one of the most powerful. The pain from my cancer however , was so severe at times that even with the pain medication , my body was still reacting adversely to the pain. Even to the point where the effects of the cancer would make me get up even if I was heavily sedated with narcotics and not conscious. Well , that is not living in any degree . Because my life was far from being conventional I also wanted leave behind a bit of biography , so to speak. The few people that have managed to get close to me have asked , and still ask me to do so. To these people I apologize. I first try to document what I go through while trying to live while waiting to die. The struggle involved in overcoming the effects of the cancer and medications is all consuming. I am afraid that the my body and mind has been ravaged to close to the point where there is little life left in me. I am now living by the hour. Just this morning I stood up and I could feel the life draining out of me. I seriously wondered and asked myself , “am I going to die now”. I will however “God willing” try to get past the physical and put some cerebral thoughts down. The fatigue is overwhelming. I do not know if anyone has taken the time to read the profile that accompanies this blog. I’ll be brutally honest here. I missed receiving my disability benefits from work because I had worked 4 hours less than is required to receive them. The money that the Gov’t pension provides is a pittance ($625 a month). When I started writing this blog I was hoping that a few people might think enough of it to deposit or send a few bucks to help me make my last days less stressful and maybe even be able to get out and get some of my “bucket list” done. My address and banking information is included in my profile. Well guess what. Since I have started this Blog about there has not been a single person out there that has felt inclined to donate anything. Now at this stage money doesn’t really matter much. Awhile ago it would of. I am hanging on to life by my fingernails. My requirements are few . There is not much that I am capable of doing regardless of means available. Having said this however , I am going to beg. Could someone anonymously deposit or send at least a five dollars . I would to cross of one item on my bucket list. That someone actually thought that the soul searching and writing was good enough to part with a few dollars. 5 lousy bucks would let me go to my grave with at least one item on my bucket list crossed of. Maybe Tomorrow. Hell , while I"m begging maybe someone could take the time to read a poem or two at Slowdeath2-azab.blogspot.com