Oct.27 /10 I want to lie. I would like the lie to be believed. I wish that I could could make myself believe the lie . I wish that I could say to myself that there is some hope that the cancer will remiss. In wish that I could say to myself that I will not be dead shortly. Months ago when I could manage to alleviate most of the symptoms caused by the cancer , I could. For brief periods I could use denial. I would use denial to get free of the effects of this death sentence. For short periods of time it would work. Hell , I would even get out and buy a “set for life” lottery ticket just for a joke. The experience of the last 40 or so days fresh in my mind ,the constant barrage of the latter stages of my cancer renders me incapable to to even contemplate using denial as a coping mechanism. The latest development of the effects from the cancer are the loss of my voice and appetite. I am having great difficulty swallowing already. Having no appetite will make getting any sort of proper nutrition that much more difficult. I believe that I appropriately titled this blog “Slowdeath”. It has been a long time now tottering on edge of death at times . Pulling myself up and then falling down over and over again. The disease keeps assaulting me , constantly using new tactics draining the life from my body. I still keep fighting , but am unable kick very hard. If the pains subside enough for me not to require to be following a pain control protocol.If I can regain some appetite and some stamina then I will continue to try to “keep on keeping on”. Maybe Tomorrow.
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