Towards The End

I just came back from the emergency dept at the hospital. I was hoping that the pain that I have been experiencing was from a collapsed lung or a serious infection. If it was either of the two then it could be fixed. No such luck. The tumour in my lung has doubled in size since a month ago. It now extends from my armpit to my spine. A new lump the size of a golf ball in my armpit tells me that the cancer has metastasized into my lymphatic system. Two weeks ago I discovered a new large lump in my armpit. When I palpated it . My face went white. I am assuming that I disturbed the toxins that the tumours produce . The toxins “grab” the nerves and squeeze. The pain : I can not lay down on either side or on my back for more than ½ hour or so without the pain becoming intolerable. I cannot lay on my back for any period of time without choking. I broke down and started taking pain medication 4 days ago. Even with the pain medication and after I pass out for awhile I cannot seem to lay down for more than an hour at a time. My body seems to react even when I am medicated and passed out . I involuntarily jump up from a lateral or prone position and am suddenly wide awake and have to get up and pace. This quite often happens on an hourly basis. The pressure on the tumors in certain positions is unbearabLe. Unfortunately laying down is one (or three) of those positions. If you could imagine someone trying to rip your shoulder blade off your body and then sticking a knitting needle into the flesh underneath and keep gyrating the needle in ones flesh and tissue. You could the understand some of the pains that I experience on a daily , hourly basis. Severe abdominal pains that leave me doubled over attack me nightly. One evening the pain was so severe that I was trying to touch my shoulders together behind my back in an involuntary gesture to find a position of less pain. All the while walking around the room as if I was trying to run away from the pain , tears streaming down my face.The doctor at the hospital also reiterated that choking to death on my own blood and or going blind deaf ,dumb and crippled can occur at any time. Choking to death is also a constant worry. Again I am not whining but documenting what it is like to be dying from small cell lung cancer. I have not been comfortable for one minute of one day for over two years now. There have been weeks when the discomfort and pain could only be described as torture. The severe pain has permanently set in and I will be going back to the hospital in a few hours to discuss pain control protocols. Up until a few weeks ago I have been good at dealing with the pain without medicating too often. I have been dreading this time coming up when I will have to be constantly medicated. Not only do I regret that I will lose my lucidity . I “just know” that now that I have to take pain killers on a daily basis that this is the beginning off a fast slide towards the end. As it stands now I am constantly wondering what the next few hours will bring. Now , that I have got all off that out of the way . I will still try to keep documenting what this experience of dying is like. The spiritual quest and any bits of wisdom or “stupidity” that should accompany my thoughts during this , my final journey on this earth. Who knows what or if anything comes next. Oh !!!! By the way God , if your out there ? put $10 into my bank acct., make my last days a bit more bearable. The acct. # is in my profile. The Song Of The Day Is : “OL 55” as performed by Tom Waits . I am trying to adjust to the latest developments. The spread of the cancer , the pain and the acceptance of how fast my life is now coming to an end. I will try to die with an open inquisitive mind , I will look for the good that I know that exists in all people , I will try to die with some dignity and try to give some strength back towards all that I know and deal with. Bye , Maybe Tomorrow.