13 Days

The Song Is "Flying Cowboys" by Riki Lee Jones

Oct.8.09 0900 I notice that the expression on my face and my whole countenance changes every time I get close to death and am surprised at how quickly it changes back when I refuse to go. Oct.8/09 1545 It is easy to become bitter when one is facing death . The dying is not so intimidating , it is the constant discomfort and pain that wears at the body and soul that hinders my attempts at trying to learn from this ,my final experience . I am trying my damdest not to fall in the trap of self pity and human natures instinct to blame others for my situation . If it were not for present day medicine I would have died 11 months ago .I should be grateful that I still have time , pain and discomfort aside ,to love and live the best that I can . I still get to watch the sunrise , I still get to appreciate women and have this unique opportunity to contemplate and make my peace as God (whomever she / he may be) has given me a heads up as what my fate will soon be . I have kept my body and appearance up ( as the cancer is killing me from the inside out) so that to most people I do not appear to be ill . This gives me the opportunity to still observe life without the sometimes tedious , sometimes appreciated pity that persons bestow upon myself when they find out about my condition , although that dam pain and discomfort at times makes it difficult to be around people so I end up spending most of my time alone. I have no future on this earthly plain so don’t have much to offer or pursue any new relationships . It would be delicious to hold and caress a sincere woman get lost in her eyes feel the comfort that closeness of skin on skin can bestow a man and woman but relationships are time consuming and I am pretty well out of time. .I have always known that I was going to die alone and am prepared for it (I think) .My entries are becoming more frequent as the clock is ticking and for some reason I feel need to write faster .It is a gorgeous day today the tide is in , there are wispy clouds suspended in the valleys on the mainland across the strait . The seabirds must have gotten used to me as they no longer scatter when I go out my door onto the beach and God has given me another day. One aspect of living that I now know to be true is that giving of oneself provides ones self with comfort . I know that it is difficult for the people that I do know to be around me , I can sense that they feel unsure as to what they should say and how they should behave. Face it being around someone who is going to die soon is can be a unnerving experience. I found that if I take a genuine interest in their lives ,problems and accomplishments that I can make the visit both entertaining and comfortable and I draw joy from this. I have come back to the beginning ,it is easy to become bitter when one is facing death. I have overcome jealousy and envy and will try to work on self pity if I have time.