10 Days Left

Mon. Oct 12/09 I kept breaking down for a while but am pulling out of it now (I hope). The nights are long; at times I can’t help but feel like I am standing up against the executioner’s wall watching a slow moving bullet coming at me and unable to move. Other times I feel like an orphan, tatterd bag in hand waiting for a train on a cold windy platform. It is not death that frightens me so much now but all the discomforts and pain that I have and will be experiencing I know that there is a good possibility that I will lose my sight and mobility when the metastasis of the cancer progresses to my brain. The part that worries me the most is losing my thought processes and memories. I don’t have to let it come to that (if I can remember this).This is what life has come down to, a computer terminal to connect to the outside world, a whole pile of pain and fatigue and and waiting here on Dth Rw for my friend the reaper. Or it has come down to the bit of pleasure that I derive from my walks on the beach , the knowledge that a couple of people still care and are doing the best that they can to help ,I still enjoy eating! and cooking .I watched some erotic films and I still get horny and I have the opportunity to communicate anything that I want as God? has given me the opportunity to uninhibitedly communicate and to convey anything that I want. My only criteria is honesty. So ,Happy Thanksgiving.Twice in my life people that I have known but did not have communication with for many years have crawled out of the woodwork so to speak and saved my life. Not that it matters (or maybe it does) one was of Polish decent the other was Native, in my mind it is a testament to goodness of their cultures. The first time I was involved in a dispute with people that operated above the law. I placed one call to this gentleman that I had not spoken to in 10 years told him of my situation. He was 2800 miles away and he was on my doorstep to help in less than 48 hrs. He was married with a job. Due to circumstaces,I had not slept for over 3 months (this is possible); he stayed for over two months and became my bodygaurd, chef and bartender. When he arrived I asked him to take charge of the situation, he procceded to make sure that there was good food on the stove, shooters whenever I wanted them and sat by the entrance way , shotgun in hand. He would sit there read magazines and tell anyone that was looking for trouble that I was catching up on some much needed sleep and could not be disturbed , he was very convincing. I have no idea what I did to command such loyalty. I felt guilty for being responsible for taking him away from his family for a while but grateful that he was there. I would not be alive today if he had not shown up. The next person that was instrumental in restoring some of my faith in humanity was the Native person that pulled me out of Vancouver when I could no longer work ,was starving ,and to ill with cancer to do anything for myself. He stepped up and moved me to where I presently am. At the time I was in and out the hospital with non-cancer complications ,the cancer was growing aggressively and the cancer clinic said that they could do nothing more for me at that time. I stayed in the palliative care ward till I decided this was not time or place to die. I then went back to my residence in East Vancouver .I was robbed , I to weak to get up and even brush my teeth at times , couldn’t get out to shop or get up and down my stairs to get out to help myself , I am sure that I did cross over a couple of times during that time. Had it not been for my Native friend letting me into his family I would have been dead this last June .09. I am grateful , but have no idea if I did anything to deserve this generosity or if the generosity is a part of the culture , maybe I am just a friend , I have always noticed that Native peoples are respectful , generous, honest and good natured regardless that they have good reason to be bitter . I find inspiration in this. Another surprise came from a Jewish lawyer that represented me for three years in the Supreme Court when I was being maliciously prosecuted because I was aware of that the police, people in Gov’t and the supposed upstanding citizens of one community were involved in criminal activity. He later helped me free of charge when the RCMP installed false information and fake warrants on police data bases , this was to make sure that I kept my mouth shut. The only reason that I can see for him helping me was that he was a moral human being and was aware that police will unabashedly lie and commit criminal acts to further their cases or careers. I am not sure which or maybe it is both. Again I do not know what I did in order for him to be so generous or maybe he was just a decent human being. 0700 I am looking out across the strait that is filled with the waters of the Pacific Ocean that separates the Island from the mainland. The tide is out; the sun is risng from behind the mountains. The suns crimson glow shining up and filling the space between the mountains and the clouds that are hanging just above them. I know that if I went outside right now that I would see the sea lions out on the rocks and they would bellow upon my approach , they are getting used to me and do not protest my presence as much as they used to . After watching some erotica earlier I am glad that everything still works (it would be nice to eat some pussy though). 0740 I just came back from the beach and from saying my morning prayers bathed in the beauty of the early morning. So I guess that I do have a lot to be thankful for. I just have to realize that during a long period of physical suffering and the fact that I will be dead soon that I sometimes just have to try a bit harder , look a bit deeper and be more grateful for the blessings that I have received, for the people that have helped in my time of need and find it within my self to give thanks. Happy Thanksgiving