8 Days

Wed. Oct.14/09 0330 The Song Of The Day is: “Waiting on a Friend” by the Stones The Quote of the day is:“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” By Norman Cousins
1 year 2 days since I last worked and was diagnosed with advanced extensive stage small cell lung cancer. Life expectancy for people with extensive stage lung cancer on average is 6 to 12 months . The oncologists estimated that since at the time that I was diagnosed the cancer was at a advanced stage and that I had only received 3 rounds of chemotherapy (I was supposed to receive 5 but that was cut short because I contracted pneumonia and I wasn’t supposed to survive that because I was in the process of receiving chemo) that my time on this planet would be 6 to 8 months at best. They have fortunately underestimated if the time counted is the time that one draws a breath and have overestimated if they are counting the time that can be considered living. There are only a few good hours in the day that could be considered living at best. As time progresses I can sense that the few people that do see me are tiring of the whole process of dying and the inevitability of my death while at the same time the cancer progresses and I find it more difficult and uncomfortable to continue on. I am still alive and capable of doing some living. It is frustrating that when there is a period of feeling a bit better that there is no means to do so. I know that being around someone who is dying is difficult on levels that I am sure we don’t fully comprehend . After a while an emotional defence mechanism must kick in that says “this is to much why doesn’t he just f..k off and die !‘. I think that I am doing a bang up job of that and am proceeding to do so quite nicely. I guess that even at this stage I have to do some learning and take in to consideration what affect that I have on the few people who lives that I do touch and somehow try to do my best to make my dying a positive learning experience for others. On a selfish note sitting here waiting for the reapers scythe to complete it’s stroke is at times unbearable .I was under the false impression that when someone is dying that people would put a bit of their lives aside for awhile . I have done so for others in the past. Human nature is human nature and sooner or later the me syndrome prevails in all of us. I do know that an impersonal computer screen and keyboard should not be a persons final companion . I new years ago that this is the way that I was going to die and that I would be dying alone, at least it is not a rude surprise and my subconscious has had time to prepare. I will concentrate on things to be thankful for and do my best to understand others. I have already walked miles down the path towards death and have garnered strength to get through the experience and have gathered strength from the experience , both of which will be helpful on this my final journey.