Oct. 9/09 1800 Just watching a program about the Panama Canal on the history channel with the sound turned off and listening to Led Zepplins “California’ Noticing the names on the side of the ships I realized that I had worked on or against most of the ships going through the canal. Sometimes I miss work or rather I miss the independence and the energy that I had when I was working. Sat. Oct 10/09 The Song of The day is: Knocking on Heavens Door” by Bob Dylan (I was surprised to find out that he has Lithuanian roots) Seems like a fitting song for today. The Quote of the Day Is: "If I could only get closer to you it would all be worthwhile" by Azab The closer that I get to the other side I notice an underlying nervousness. I don’t know whether this is a natural reaction that the body has when it closes in on death or it is the realization that I am entering uncharted territory all that I am really sure of is that I can feel that the time is near. It does get more difficult each day to overcome the discomfort ang get on with the day. I am never really sure at the start of the day if Iwill see the end of the day. At his stage noone has any answers niether medical or spiritual and am on my own to find my own way there. When I was at the doctors the other day coughing up blood he (I am not being critical here) just looked at me with an expression of “what do you expect your past your due date”, when I mentioned that when the complications start to get to severe that I might go to the emergency dept. at the hospital I was told that should wait until there is lots of blood and was met with the same stare that said there is nothing that can be done. He is a fine Dr. and I am not being critical, I actually feel sorry for him and hope that my situation does not adversely affect him. Another Dr. (my oncologist) is pregnant (the pregnancy does drape a bueaty on her) and will probably be on maternity leave when I die. For some strange reason I find it comforting that she will be bringing a new life in as I am on my way out. Now this is thanksgiving weekend in Cannda and I can’t help but have a few thoughts about that. Not so much as about giving thanks (Ido that every morning) but about thanksgiving as a celebration in North America.I think that everyone in north america should take a moment to reflect that if it was not for the generosity of the peoples of the native cultures there is a good chance that we would not have much to celebrate . And again take time to reflect that the same way that we mistreated native people back then we still treat other cultures in other parts of the world. My personal experiences with native peoples has been extensive and long which might seem odd to some, myself being a blue eyed blond. My most recent experience is just after I was diagnosed with Cancer and was told that without therapy I would be dead within days or at the most weeks . The only people that actually stepped up to the plate and offered tangible help (rather than the cursory if there is anything I can do to help and the that is the end of it) and restored a bit of my faith in the human race were both native peoples. Without their help I would have been dead long ago. I can’t see native peoples having much cause to celebrate thanksgiving as we know as they would be celebrating the attempted genocide of their peoples. I am not going to celebrate Thanksgiving but rather give thanks , for all my experiences , all the beautiful women and the two natives whose actions have given me a bit of faith and a little more time on this earth. I am now tired and bleeding, I do have a lot to say but I don’t have the energy to keep going at times. One bright spot about the dire situation that the peoples of this planet are in is that there is hope in our youth and hopefully they can recognize the mistakes that we made and try not to repeat them. Maybe this is where faith comes from. My Rant: (I wrote this first to stir myself up to get some energy to keep writing) Tomorrow is the anniversary of the last day that I worked one yerar ago. Talk about hypocracy, I heard on the news a few days ago that the Ontario Gov”t. has started to fine owner operator truck drivers for smoking cigarettes in their own cabs due to the quirks in the law about safety in the workplace. I remember when I was much younger I was confused as to all the attention given to the evils of tobacco and their cancer causing effect. In those days I was working for Ford motor Co. watching people working in paint bins covered from head to toe in toxic sustances on a daily basis. Ford would outsource this work through Canada Manpower a Gov’t employment agency and the jobs were given to or sometimes forced upon the most marginalized of the community (I am sure that the Gov;t employees received monies under the table for sticking people in these jobs). During my time at Ford I would some times find myself working on the gas line filling a gas tank every 58 seconds. Ironically we were allowed to smoke; all that we had to do was to step back a few feet to have a cigarette. The cancer causing affects of both tobacco and petroleum products were known at that time. In my young mind I was confused as to why the gov’t was starting to make it so hard for an individual to have a legal cigarete while at the same time industry could blatenly poison a person and put them in murderous positions. The non-smoker so adamant about a bit cigarete smoke can with a clear conscience drive his/her SUV and go to work in a munitions plant or at the tar sands and for some reason not see the hypocrisy of the situation. The last day that I worked before I was diagnosed with incurable small cell lung cancer (the most insidious one) I was operating a D-10 buldozer in the middle of the night 75 ft up on an ustable pile of coal breathing in diesel particulate cold dust downwind from a site that handles lead concentrare (when the wind was right you could taste the stuff in the air) and was not allowed to have a smoke in the cab of my machine because it might harm my health. I can’t light a smoke but industry can put me in a toxic life threatening position. What danm hypocracy. If you see some hanging by their neck from a tree with a sliver in their finger the way of thinking of the anti-smoking campain they would concentrate on taking out the sliver and leave the person hanging. I am not saying that smoking is good but for god sakes look around and put things in a proper perspective. Again any fool who says that hard work has never hurt anyone can come see me and I can take them to the graves and hospital beds introduce them to amputees, orphans and widows/widowers that will tell them different. We as North americans are right near the top of the list of being the most niaeve brainwashed people on the planet. My cancer is acting up so there is my rant for the day. I am totally running out of steam so I know if I stirr myself up with a topic that angers me I can then take that energy and use it for something enjoyable , a form of self-hypnosis I guess.
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