10 Days L

Sun. Oct. 11.09 1500 I am sleeping so much, it is not a refreshing sleep but the sleep of death, rattle and all. I now understand why my mother was so adamant about wanting to leave the hospital palliative care unit. While everyone but her was concerned about the responsibly of providing care for her she only wanted a warm friendly place to die. Surrounded by family, warm sunshine streaming through the windows. Rather than in the cold hospital setting. Impersonal and all the souls of recent dead and dying milling around. Most of the nurses there (the backbone of our health care system) were exceptional at and went out of their way trying to provide a humane atmosphere for one to die, but the structure of our health care system compels even the most dedicated health care practitioners to treat people in the same manner that a mechanic fixes a broken down Ford. I knew that we were being selfish then and I can feel it now. At the stage that she was in and at the stage that I am in the DR.s, if you approach them sincerely, will be the first to tell you that they really haven’t a clue as to what the next few days or weeks will hold. During this procces of dying the healthy could do well not to forget the dying persons needs and desires rather than how the whole procces affects themselves. I know that it is an exhausting process for the healthy and Lord knows that I have been guilty as the rest , but for Gods sake we should put ourselves aside for at least a little while, be strong and honestly consider the desires of the dying rather than how their passing is going to affect ourselves. There will be time to heal and reflect later, time is something that person dying does not have. I think that I'll leave before I have to suffer the humiliation of dying in a hospital setting and before total loss of my independence . I know that when I say that freedom and independence are more important than life itself I am "putting my money where my mouth is'. Allways have , allways will .I have put my liberty and life on the line before for the benefit of other people but that is a different story.