8 Days Left

Thurs. Oct. 15/09 The Song of the Day is: “Round Here” by Counting Crows I am impressed by the sensitivity and depth of lyrics like these , especially coming from a what I consider a young mind. The Quote of The day is: “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time “ by Mark Twain . 0330 I can hear the waves crashing on the beach from the entrance of my residence. The darkness and the damp chill that greets me when I open the door feels as familiar as my mood . There is a strange comfort in my aloneness , chilly dark air and proximity to death. I am still not taking any pain medication. The pain in my body at this moment is tolerable. The combination of being almost pain free without medication for a period of time lets me enjoy the moment with clarity. If I would have started taking all the medications that the Health care Practitioners suggested I believe that I would not have or be able to enjoy these moments , however fleeting. The newspaper has been warning residents of cougar sightings in town. When I was admitted to the hospital emergency dept. because of complications a few weeks ago there was a notice posted by the entrance warning people that a cougar had been sighted lurking near the entrance on the west side of the hospital. Deer are so plentiful and common that they seem annoyed when I drive by them and are reluctant to move away from whatever has captured their interest by the side of the road , in some ones yard or on the road itself. There is the colony of sea lions on the rocks in the ocean in front of the yard just outside my door. The proximity to the wildlife and the bush , although I don’t have the energy to get out and enjoy it , gives me some comfort. This is a good place to die. I went by the Native burial grounds , said a prayer , and in my own way asked for permission to rest my bones in the area. I have always respected native culture and their people for their honesty, the way that they are loyal to their family , respect their elders , love their children and help anyone in need . I am glad that someone was able to get me out of the city and set me up here as I was neither well enough nor did I have the means to do anything on my own. Thank God for an old friend that are willing to help or I would not be writing this now. It was a scary situation being stuck in the city in the roughest part of Canada , dying of cancer ,helpless and unable to defend or care for myself . I was fortunate that an old friend happened by as there was no help coming from anywhere else and was as close to dying as anyone would ever want to be without actually going to the other side. I was totally willing to die everyday that I was there as there was no moment of any comfort whatsoever . Unable to work (for that matter unable to get up and down the stairs ), lying alone , starving ,sick, in pain and in an area of town where the weak are mugged robbed and beaten. I was a skeleton lying on my deathbed .Let me tell you it is the loneliest feeling in the world lying on your deathbed and coming to the realization that pretty well everyone that you know is content to just let you lay there and suffer, starve and die in your own filth. Sure people say “if there is anything that I can do to help”… but they are just empty words that twist the knife and you know that no assistance will be forthcoming. Ah , I am getting bitter , put yourself in those shoes and try not to be bitter once in a while .Anyone who thinks that I might be whining just put yourself in that situation for a brief period of time , let alone months and months. I still spend over 90% of my time alone but knowing that someone cared enough to help extended my life by months and I am still here . Time to get into the positive, I will listen to a nostalgic piece of music , think about the beautiful women and be thankful for one more day.