7 Days

The Song of the Day is : “I’m So Exited “ By the Pointer Sisters ( probably cause the song brings back fond memories) The Quote of The Day Is : “Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you are alive, it isn’t.” By Richard Bach. Yesterday the teeth of the big black dog (depression) bit deep. I am amazed at how deep of hole I can fall into and at how difficult it can be to crawl out. The razor blades are still in the drawer though. I could not get out of bed for any length of time yesterday . I was not experiencing much pain or discomfort (5/10) yesterday. I am amazed at how much of a role state of mind affects my physical well being at this weakened state. I purposely let the depression sink in just to see how low I could go and was/am astonished at how physically debilitating the effects of depression can be. I let it sink in so deep that just moving parts of my body seemed like a monumental task. If I die today or a bit later I wonder if I am really going to miss much. I work my ass off to gain a feeling of well being , then when I accomplish that state were I am able to do something other than going for a walk , writing and reading there really is not much available for me. So I will be grateful that there is food in the fridge and a roof over my head and that all parts of my body work regardless of the fatigue, shortness of breath and pain. Being alone has the advantage of being able to mentally and spiritually explore deeply and intimately what is happening here at the edge of the end of my physical existence. The aloneness can also be terrifying when pain becomes debilitating and/or when I know that I am at deaths door and it is up to me to decide which way to go. If anyone wonders what it feels like be dying and what I think that it will feel like to die when I finally let go. I can tell you that the experience is not much different than what one feels when someone that you love with your whole heart and soul passes away , just add physical pain and discomfort. I am not saying that I am love with myself only that the feeling of loss is similar. Just because I have accepted death does not mean that I have stopped living and I think that this confuses healthy people that I meet. God has given me the opportunity to do anything that I want to and am capable of doing , my moral compass being my only guide. My cancer was diagnosed as an aggressive cancer at an advanced stage (without therapy I would have only survived a few weeks at best), I have looked at the statistics of cancer patients survival rates of patients that are diagnosed at a less advanced stage of extensive stage SCLC than I myself was diagnosed with and have surpassed those survival rates . I can tell however that shoe will soon drop. The wind is howling just outside my window. The waves are angrily crashing on the beach as the gulls play in the high wind shooting up the shallow bluff , dashing up and down and back and forth in the high wind shooting up the bluff. The water is cold and powerful today and it would be an easy and quick way to go to walk into the water , let the cold powerful ocean do the rest and return to the primeval soup from where we once came . Two thoughts are confusing me today. One is how does one not somehow feel responsible for the pain and suffering that goes on in the world when one is aware of the extent of its existence. The other is that as a society why are we so reluctant to help one another yet so eager to spend vast sums of money and resources to harm each other. Society is made up of individuals so each and every one of us is partly responsible for whatever good or evil exists. So much for waxing philosophically today. I am going to chase loot today so I can continue to try living and find some beauty in the day to offset yesterdays state of depression. I wish I could bottle the component of comfort found in feminine beauty and bath in it . There is always comfort there. Being this close to death and what it holds I seem to sense other presences at times complete with comforting aromas . The aromas are a mingle of a floral scent and the scent of an aroused woman. It may sound odd but the presence and aroma is definitely there. Dreams are becoming vivid again and I can sometimes defy the pain and make it seem insignificant. There is an underlying nervousness and anticipation in the way that I feel. I have felt this way before, before a near death experience. I would still like to and am capable of enjoying some of life’s sweets and hope that it is not quite my time yet.