Fri. Oct.23/09 Well I had a good day physically yesterday and I knew that it would come to an end soon. I have learned not to expect these fleeting moments of relative well being to last. Last night the night sweats and the discomfort after resting yesterday returned like an unwelcome shadow . The pain is always there and I have learned to accept and endure. As I mentioned earlier I find my body reacting in all sorts of differt ways to the pain and discomfort caused by the tumours. I noticed in the mirror that I have an unintentional scowl on my face and at night I wake up in twisted and unnaturall positions. My theory is that the unintentional scowl is a reaction to pain and discomfort caused by the cancer and my nightly contortions is my body foolishly trying to twist and writhe in an attempt to get away from the tumours. I know that my body can react to mental stimulus . I learned this from situations where pain and discomfort were being inflicted upon me by other people. I would tell myself that the pain was a minor nuisance and I would fool myself in a form of self hypnosis to look forward to uncomfortable situations ,to the dismay to those inflicting them upon me. When I find myself scowling I try to smile. When a specific pain starts to become unbearable (there are so many different pains)I concentrate on that pain and try change the way that it feels. Sometimes I manage transform the pain into a acceptable sensation . I can not get away from the pain and discomfort so I try to manipulate it and have at times become successful. If I paste a smile on my face, approach everyone that I meet in a positive cheery way and manipulate the pain , I find that my level of discomfort and pain subsides. The discomfort becomes an irritant , the pain becomes an ache and the depression lessens (the razor blades stay in the drawer so to speak). This practice of lying to myself presents a bit of a conundrum. I am trying to be totally honest and realistic with myself and as much as possible with others. I guess I can justify lying to myself as a form of therapy, I can justify lying to others (lying by ommission) because I can see no reason that people that I care about should suffer in anyway alongside of me . That is also the reason that I spend my time alone when things become unbearable . I don’t want to see anyone else adversely affected by my situation . The aloneness becomes heavy but these are the cards that I have been dealt. A Dr. has said that anymore chemo or radiation would not benefit me yet I have an appt. at the cancer clinic next Wed. . If they are not going to do anything I wonder why the need to see me. Some DR.s and health care practitioners I have grown quite fond of but others I think should have chosen a profession where they do not have to deal with people. For the last while the oncologists have just been spectators to my slowly (knock on wood) dying. When I seen one DR when I was coughing up lots of blood , and I did appreciate his honesty, I suggested that if the condition persisted and worsened that I would go to the hospital , he indicated that I could if I wanted to but it would not make any difference. I could drown on my own blood here at home or in the hospital , the only difference would be is where I would leave the mess. So I am going to contunuie on with my denial , mental positive therapy and concotions . I am still here ! ,statistically and according to the DR.s I should have been dead and gone quite awhile ago. The wind is whipping up the water outside as I can see the whitecaps far out in the strait from my window. I am going to listen to Phoebe Snow sing “Every Night” and go to my happy spot for a bit. The air becomes so fresh when the wind picks up . I swear that I can taste it and am gratefull for that. I have been writing some poetry and have posted it at slowdeath2 . It is bad but it is mine. I still miss women. I am not computer savvy and apparently the g-mail address posted in my profile was incorrect but is fixed now . Sometimes I wonder if anyone come across this actually reads this . I guess that it doesn’t matter if anyone does or does not read this ,at least I know that it is there and that I have left a few thoughts about this experience behind. The Songs OF The Day Are: “The Weight” by the Band and “Every Night” performed by Phoebe Snow Bye For Now
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