Great West Life

. Aug 1 / 10 The Song Of The Day Is “With A Little Help From My Friends” as performed by Joe Cocker . Denial , I overcame it long ago. Although I do now use it upon occasion to get through the day. I observe how people use it and procrastination to numb reality . I can feel the cancer growing . I sense the effects of the toxins from the tumours. I feel the similar to the way that I did when I was diagnosed in Oct. 2008. At the time , I though that the symptoms were a result of cumulative stress from the events that had transpired within the previous decade of my life. I had worked hard . I had put the losses of 1999 behind me. ( the loss of homes , attempts on my life , malicious prosecutions etc … ) and had put myself into a position that within the near future my lifestyle would become , if not opulent , comfortable. I would have to continue working but the work and the hours would soon become easy for me. In other words I thought that the symptoms were the result of a combination of recovering from a previous illness ( the cancer was present at that time and I believe that I was misdiagnosed) and the stress of what I had to go through for the last decade to get back on my feet. All the time that I though that I was feeling the effects of the stress from events of the last decade and possibly mild depression. I thought , just like the horse in George Orwell ‘s “Animal Farm” “just keep trying harder” and everything will work out. Boy was I wrong. Since I had watched my mother die from cancer and realizing the I was genetically predisposed to getting cancer , I had asked the dr’s during a serious illness in 2006 that “if there was any way that I had cancer at that time that they would know” . They said , “yes” they would know and that “no” I did not have cancer. The hospital was St. Paul’s In Vancouver Canada . Only in 2008 , after I was diagnosed with incurable extensive stage small cell lung cancer ,and that I had about 6 to 8 months to live if I received urgent aggressive chemotherapy ( my life expectancy at the time was a few weeks without chemotherapy) did the oncologist say that I probably had the cancer at that time(at St. Paul‘s in Vancouver Canada). My body all the time was telling me that something was terribly wrong. I would have pursued the matter had the DR.s not initially told me when I specifically asked about the possibility of me having cancer that I definitely did not have cancer. During all the contact that I have had within the “cancer community” for lack of a better term , my story is not unique. Numerous people that I have spoken to have told me that either themselves or someone they know has been told that their ailments are nothing to worry about. The symptoms creep up slowly and are constant. They increase a little each day and each month until one notices that they are not functioning properly anymore , and can’t quite put finger on exactly how one is feeling unwell , and I mean UNWELL! . The fatigue being the major symptom. The body is constantly sending out distress signals. I would constantly reach around to my back trying to get at where the tumour was growing deep inside my body. My body would wake up in a position of guarding my right side. I recall saying to myself “I just can’t take this anymore” and not knowing why. (Now I catch myself thinking ”hurry up and die already” , but then the will to live kicks in. Those that have terminal cancer will understand this.)The symptoms are treated with drugs but the diagnosis is way off. Then when the symptoms become debilitating , the cancer has a firm grip and is totally obvious is the diagnosis made. While all along it was each symptom increasing independently each day , until they all collaborate into an undeniable death grip. Then one realizes that they are gravely ill. After months of near death experiences and months debilitating therapy , an oncologist sincerely and unabashedly gave me some advice about surviving , “PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR CRAVINGS AND YOUR GUT FEELINGS”. Everyone knows that early detection prolongs the life of cancer patients considerably and in some case even cures. The body tells oneself in no uncertain terms when something is amiss. I am sure that there is a placebo effect when a health care profession says that there is nothing to worry about. I personally recall as a certified level 3 F/A attendant , calming someone suffering from severe trauma ‘ by saying “this is going to make you feel a whole lot better” just before putting an oxygen mask on them. The oxygen helped profuse the cells , the words did the calming , but the trauma was still there and required medical treatment. I am hoping that someone will reads this that has been “humming and hawing’’ about getting nagging symptoms checked out , prostrate tests , breast exams etc. etc.. done , and is spurred into action . And the unfortunates that do have cancer get treatment as quickly as possible as to either cure or at the least prolong ones life as long as possible. I feel about the same now as I felt prior to my diagnosis in 2008 when I was told that I had weeks to live without chemotherapy. Unfortunately the chemo , in my case is no longer an option. My life expectancy in Oct. 2008 was 6 to 8 months. It is now Aug. 2010. Because of the constant suffering there have been times that I wished that I was dead. The will to live and the anticipation of a few moments of comfort and “living” kick in and then I am grateful for anther day. It has been a long haul since Oct. 2008 .(Frankly the suffering started in 2006). And the journey is almost over. I am back to living hand to mouth and this is no way for anyone to spend their last days. An Open Letter to the Trustees Union ( Local 500 I.L.W.U.) that has control of my death benefits. Release the funds so that I can spend the last few weeks of my life with some sense of independence and die with some dignity. All that has to be done is sign the paper. It cost the Union nothing. It would change how I live my last days out for the better immensely and means nothing to Great West Life as the funds are already allocated. The cheque is going to be issued soon any ways. Great West Life doesn’t care if the small amount of funds is released now or in a few weeks. Let a person living use the funds and maintain some security and dignity during their last days instead of throwing the funds into a hole in the ground. Done. Bye for Now See , Ya On The Other Side. Sun . Aug 1 1010 1038 PST Hospitals , DR,s and day to day survival leave little time for spirituality. My feet on the earth , my face in the wind and the honesty in the nature that surrounds me while I am outside is the closes’t that my spirit has come to feeling at peace.
PLACES // there are places / places where there is no life / only wanderers / and the pleasure of sacrifice / where peasants skirts dust refugee trails / and the troubadours speak bluntly / walking on the fingertips of applause / places where beauty dances and sparkles / in the raindrops splash , suspended over a still lake / where small peeks at heaven / are served with generous portions of hell / where the sun fades like an old cliche / and moans like a broken promise / Places are the times I have seen / the immaculate timing wished for / to be dreaming the same dreams / and I wonder where you will be ? / or where I’ll be ? / in the expanse of memory / will I see you / within the sight of perfectly powdered recollections / as a queens whisper in a paupers breath / or as tears , drying in the settling dust / in the places that have never been searched before / embraced in a lovers wet crush / where devils and angels drown /
and when this final season slams the door / in the stillnes , feel my caress / as it whispers in the breeze by your ear. Azab