Keep movin Keep movin

Tues July 6 10 The Song Of The Day Is “Atlantic City” by The Band I’m moving ! I’m movin ! I’m movin! The big black dog (depression) has been back for awhile now. I think? , or is it the effects of the chemo and the cancer. It is difficult at times to distinguish what is the cause of feeling the way I do. Fatigue , 24/7 flu like symptoms and just plain feeling like the body is going to give out and stop living. So I just try to keep moving . , I hope that I keep succeeding . Keep movin ! , maybe my body will kick in for awhile . My isolation has one advantage. Rarely is there anyone else to compare myself too. I get to revel in what is a major accomplishment for myself. When I get myself out for walk . I gauge how well my body is doing for that day by how far I get and how I feel during the walk. Even if I only make it for a few 10’s of yards I can try to feel good about it when there is no one else there to compare myself to and make me realize how pathetic my accomplishments really are. This way I can keep the grimness of the reality of my state at bay. Keep movin ! I use every trick that I can to keep the depression away. Denial , anger , counting my blessings etc. etc. etc. I have not gone back for my last session of chemo. Decisions , decisions. The pains are already returning . Painkillers do nothing for this type of pain. Decisions , decisions. The chemo up until recently has kept the pains away. I did push it today though. Maybee thats the cause of the pains today ? Some stretches , some light exercises and a walk. The walk is all push. Sometimes the body just has to be willed to move. I am glad that I am alone during these walks as most of the times tears steam down my face. I don’t know why this happens , I just know that it does. Sitting and lying down are uncomfortable situations for me . Talk about a double whammy .To tired to do anything , to uncomfortable to stop movin. Keep movin! Keep movin ! . Surprisingly when there is never any relief from the discomfort . The body and mind adapt , spurring the soul to compensate and find some refuge of comfort. I wonder with all the chemicals in my body (chemo and the toxins produced by the cancer) if modern,(sic) medicine hasn’t bastardized dying. I can remember times when I felt like I was drifting and slipping away. Like a near drowning experience that I once had , the sensation becomes comfortable after a while. Then suddenly like a screaming gasping newborn , something kicks in and this wonderful struggle we call life resumes . With all the drugs (and not the good ones like lines of coke off a hookers ass) there is just not a moment of comfort , neither waking or asleep. I am trying hard to avoid becoming cantankerous . I am afraid that I might start behaving like that cantankerous but lovable bastard (and I mean no disrespect) Farley Mowat . Heaven help me then. Sometimes I think that I have become too self absorbed , but dammit I am close to dying and in discomfort 24/7. I am afraid that this has been a bit of a vent , but this is what is going on. Sometimes I wonder if I havn’t hung on for too long. Oh well keep movin ! Keep movin! . If my body would give me a break I could concentrate on the spiritual aspects of life. The sun is glistening on the surface of the ocean . I ’m going to get out there and get some of this day and what we call life into me.. Bye for now , see ya on the other side.