On till Summer ?

Mon. Feb. 22 / 10 The song of the Day ( Neil Young’s “Heart of Gold” just came on so that is it) The Cancer ; The cancer thrives . The chemotherapy is in fill swing now. It may seem trite , but the difficulty now lies in trying to accomplish the day to day requirements of living. Trying to stave off infections and to try to get proper nutrition. I niether have the energy or any way of getting laundry done , getting out to shop for food is iffy at best. I do not have the energy and the threat of being exposed bugs is daunting. The chemo drugs are in full swing , my immunity to infections and bugs is low . My last cycles of chemo had to be cut short because an infection almost killed me. If these cycles get cut short , or an infection kicks in the cancer will win in short order. I try to get down to the beach for a walk. I did make it the 10 ft down the rock steps , turned around and came back , to dizzy and tired. My lower body , legs and feet do not seem to work properly . I finally had a bone scan done . What was supposed to take 30 min. took hrs. They kept scanning and rescanning different parts of my body and then rushed me in for unscheduled X-rays . The radiologist said that he needed the x-rays to confirm. (?) Cold , my body temp. goes down to 34.1 C when I lay down. Almost a full degree into mild hypothermia. My hands get so cold that they feel like they are frostbite. The fatigue is overwhelming. Minutes are hrs . hrs are days and days are months. This would be a good thing if what was slowing the time down wasn’t physical discomfort. There is a mental and spiritual condundrum however. I try not to be weak and slide into an angry mode. I am well beyond the “why me” stage and well past denial or wishing for a miracle. I do find it difficult when I have to deal with other peoples denial . Other than on rare occasions I only see health care professionals, so that has not been a problem for months. I do use anger to motivate myself. The anger is directed at myself , probably not to healthy but it works. My physical goal now is to survive today , next week and the next few months till summer. The spiritual goal is to make some sort of peace with this world. It both inspires me with its beauty and sickens me with our capability of callousness towards each other.